**For the record, I didn’t have a chance to proofread or spell check so be gentle! I have a Shitville education!**
Can y’all believe this is the 2nd to last show? Say it’s not so! Looks like next week is our gals Season Finale. Sniff, sniff. What are we going to do without them? Will we ever see the girls again? Did Dorothy ever come back? Better yet, will there be an explosive two-part Reunion Special? Can I host it?
I need answers.
I have a feeling we will never know the answers to many, many questions but let’s not fret about the unknown, let’s jump right into what we do know…this week’s episode! Shall we? IF I COULD EVER GET IT TO WORK. I swear the internet service is Shitville is the WORST ever! I have to watch these videos 20 seconds at a time and then see BUFFERING for 10 seconds. I am about to slam this computer into the wall.
This episode made me sad. There were a few high points but for the most part things were very melancholy. I can’t snark up missing puppy dogs and dead tulips! Ok, maybe I can work with the dead tulips.
The sun is up, the birds are chirping and we start out the show at the Checkerboard Hacienda with Hannah. Shocker. If you remember from last week things ended with Hannah wanting to give Brooke a plastic knife tracheotomy and Brooke wanting to beat the “fuck” out of Hannah. Good times. Yeah, don’t think either of the girls are wearing their Best Friend charm bracelets any longer.
Well, to break the tension and in an attempt to talk things out, the ex-besties are going out to lunch…I mean, CMT is setting up another day of filming in hopes that they can get more fight footage because they dropped the ball worse that Jack Dundee in the Taft vs. Bakersville football game from “Best of Times” the last time they were at Wild Rooster. Maybe with a few lunch cocktails they can catch some more Jerry Springer-esk footage. Here’s hoping.
Before lunch, or maybe afterward…its hard to tell sometimes, Hannah tells us that Brooke is very judgemental of her and that isn’t fair because she has never judged her, even though she doesn’t agree with a lot of the stuff she does. Judgey Wudgey was a bear…can you see Hannah behind a desk?
Hannah drives and texts to lunch while wearing an orange tank top and completely different earrings. Â She must have changed clothes in her SVU because when she gets to lunch she is wearing a white sleeveless button up. Hey, if you can have sex in a truck, you can get dressed in an truck…or so I have heard.
Brooke, the Wicked Witch of CMT, is already at the Cat City Grill waiting for Hannah…who I am just going to go ahead and assume is late yet again. Brooke is upset that Hannah seems distant and no longer engages in conversation with her. Hopefully, these girls can work out their differences so they can get back to bejeweling barrels and talking about how Anna is a bossy bitch.
Hannah finally arrives and Brooke greets her with a much more subdued “Hey guuurl”…with only 3 u’s instead of her usually 14 u’s and I can already tell this isn’t going to end well. Brooke is concerned about Hannah because she is worried about the choices she is making in her life and how she is surrounding herself with people who don’t give a *blur* about her. (I don’t know if the blur was a shit or a fuck, but I’ll go ahead and go with my personal favorite, fuck.)
Oh lawdy! If I had a dollar for every time I have had this same exact conversation with so many of my friends that went through divorces in their early 20′s because they all got married to their high school sweethearts at 19, popped out some kids while their husbands were cheating on them, and then turn into crazed party girls that start popping their kid’s adderal to stay skinny enough to fuck every fireman in a 15 mile radius…I’d never have to worry about money again. I know Hannah isn’t a divorcee but basically it is the same scenario. These bitches KNOW they are doing wrong, but they don’t care because they are grown and don’t want to be TOLD that. I like to call it being “dickmatized” It is just human nature. I know I have lost more than one friendship by trying to be the voice of reason…I think it is called a pre-life crisis. Either way, you ALWAYS end up being the sanctimonious snatch-ass bitch. I have learned my lesson.
Looking at Hannah’s Crystal Gayle pony tail I think it would safe to say she got her some new store-bought hair. I pray to Baby Buddha that it is only a clip in because if I was the Hair Ninja and she had that nappy horse tail sewed back into her head, I would have to take her ass out with numchucks and some of those chinese throwing ninja stars.
Hannah tells us that she thinks Brooke is very insecure and she tries to get any dig in on any person she can. (Hey, that sounds like ME!) Well, this obviously edited conversation, based on them sometimes having ice tea in front of them and sometimes not, gets very ugly very quickly and Anna, dropping out of High School at 15, and self-respect some how all gets thrown into the mix.
Hannah says she is finally going to stand up for herself from now on and not let Brooke walk all over her. (Wait, isn’t this the same thing she said about Anna in episode one? “Anna thinks she can walk all over me because she is 8 years older and she is always belittling me.”) She doesn’t think Brooke is her real friend because friends don’t hurt one another. Just about the time that Brooke gets out of her chair and I think she is going to go all Bad Girls Club on Hannah, she hollers that she is not a dumb ass and that she is done with her. I couldn’t help but giggle a bit when Hannah flinched and I don’t blame her one bit because when Brooke gets pissed she shape-shifts into a Pit Bull like Sam Merlotte’s brother Tommy on True Blood. That shit is scary.
I don’t like to watch violence on television and I leave the room whenever Ike watches that stupid Ultimate Fighter shit. I really didn’t want to see this whole thing become physical, but what happened to the Hurricane? Â Wasn’t it just a few episodes ago that she was pimp slapping people in the forehead?
Nothing about this fight is humourous…well, other than the fact that Brooke tells her she can just “fucking go ahead and buy lunch”. Â That cracked my ass up. What lunch? They only got tea…what is the bill, $2.50?
And…is it bad that the whole time I was just wanting to know what happened to Brooke’s Louis Vuttion? What is up with this black purse!? Bring back Louis!
What y’all don’t know is Brooke really had to leave because she had to goÂ and find some little children in the woods that just happen to be following breadcrumbs to find their way home…so she can cook and eat them.
Hannah does a bit of a modified version of the Teen Mom Farrah’s ugly cry and explains to us that she always has her guard up but she let Brooke in and she hurt her. I can see that, but it’s not hard to get close to someone when you are living in their house for free. Just saying.
What I wouldn’t do to see the unedited version of that lunch! Anybody have any plans for next week? I say bring your black ski masks and flashlights and meet me in the CMT building parking garage and we can break in and steal the tapes Watergate style! Hell yeah…let the planning for Cat City Grillgate begin!
This whole segment just made me sad.
We make it back to the CBH where Hannah is foaming at the mouth to tell Anna all about the Cat City Clash! Â Dun…dun…dunnnnn.
Just to handle the drama, Anna has a red plastic Solo cup cocktail. Â Red? What in the hell? Â What happened to the BLUE cups? Â Who does she think she is? Â Bleu Edmondson? Â (Remember the Guess the Diva Rider game?Â ) Â
Poor Hannah just wanted to have a casual little lunch with Evil Bee to hash things out and thought the whole confrontation came out of left field. Really? Â Didn’t they just almost get into a gang girl beat down fight with plastic eating utensils the night before?
Anywhoo, Hannah didn’t appreciate how fake Brooke was being by saying hello and had no idea what caused her to freak out because the entire fight was just about her being so jealous about how much she was hanging out with Anna.
CMT’s precious princess aka LadyÂ Anna is just appalled that Brooke would dare to leave her at the lunch and make her pay the bill. Huh? Occasionally I stick my toe in the Miller Lite pool and that has been known to affect my short-term memory, but didn’t Hannah once leave Anna’s ass at the bar? All this revisionist history is classic. Hey girls…did you forget this entire season was taped? Â It was and we all watched it. Â Yes, really…they showed it on the TV.
Hannah wants to clear up the “not graduating high school” thing on camera and explains that she didn’t quit high school she just left early to get her GED. She also tells Anna that Brooke said she was a dumb ass. Wait, didn’t Brooke actually scream that SHE was the one that wasn’t a dumb ass? Â I just can’t keep up with all this 7th grade lunch table bullshit. Can’t we all just do some lesbianic titty grabbing, extract some joy juice from a wild hog and just all get along? Â I guess not because Brooke is just SO insanely jealous that Anna and Hannah are so close now and have been so through such a ridiculously high amount of tough times together that their friendship bond is so strong. Â (Oh, for the record…this show only took 4 weeks to shoot and they spent the first 2 weeks fighting about tiki torches and throwing bagel bites on the floor of Fort Worthâ€™s Finest Gourmet Grocery and Deli.)
*Insert the sad music here*
An almost teary eyed, horse pony tail-less Hannah tells us that as much as it sucks, she does think she is better off not having Brooke as a friend because she doesn’t think she was ever a true friend.
Anna is “really freaking pissed off” that Brooke would treat Hannah that way, but chalks it all up to the fact that women are crazy. Ain’t that the truth. Â Women ARE crazy. Tony-Anna RobbinsÂ tells Hannah that Brooke is just upset with herself and starts up once again with her life coaching speal that just want to cut her with a plastic knife. I dunno why she irks me so badly when she starts that shit, she just does. I want to love her…I picked her as my favorite from jump street but she makes me scream at my television. I do still kind of want her to come to my house and put those barrel curls in my hair and make me some of that green lasagna stuff…sans Jiminey cricket.
Meanwhile back at the Fontanel Mansion, Jason and CMT’s Evil Bee are laying out by their very own Mandalay Bay wave pool and chatting about how surprised they are that they haven’t gotten divorced before their one year anniversary.
Did anyone else notice how Jason has no chest hair? Â I am not sure how I feel about that. Maybe he is part indian or suffers from itty bitty nipple Alopecia…or maybe he just shaves his chest. Â Yeah…I really don’t want to know.
Anywhoo, the Jeters spend sometime trying to figure out what they are going to wear out to dinner at Grady’s. I have ALWAYS wanted to go to Grady’s…not Grandy’s, that is an entirely different place.
Grady’s is owned by the famous cooking cowboy Grady Spears. Â And let me tell ya…Momma Ballou loves her some Grady! Â She has ALL of his cookbooks, but because she won’t leave Coryell Country she won’t let us take her to eat at his restaurant. And that is a shame because I sure wouldn’t kick him outta bed for eating Cheez-Its…and you know what they say about a man that talks with his hands. I don’t, I just made that up…but I bet they say something good.
Here is Grady telling us about how he makes his Chicken Fried Steak…better known as what Hannah swears is her secret to staying so thin.
Brooke and Jason are going through their closets trying to find something cute to wear to supper. Brooke pulls out this disco ball dress I think she picked up at Deb in the mall…but decides to just wait until they are in Vegas to wear it. Thank Baby Buddha in the manger.
By the way, what in the hell is that brass contraption in the corner?
I dunno if it is a dog house or some type of mole torture chamber. Anyone have any guesses?
Anywhoo…the Jeters get to Grady’s and are lead to a private little romantic table outside on the patio…by Grady? I can’t tell if that is THE Grady or just some other dude in back flap pocket girl jeans, but I am fairly certain it is Grady. I mean, doesn’t the owner of the restaurant always double as the hostess? Jason, always the gentleman, pulls out the chair for his bride. Sweet.
Just when I was trying to get a better look to figure out if that was indeed Grady, 2 milliseconds later he morphs into a blonde waitress. I guess we will never know.
Brooke tells us that she ain’t gonna miss a meal and orders the meatloaf. Ewwww. I am sure Grady’s meatloaf is yummy, but when I think meatloaf all I can think of is the congealed fat that would be pooling on top of the meatloaf that the cafeteria ladies used to serve with mashed potatoes with green peas. Barfola.
Brooke, who JUST told us that she ain’t gonna miss a meal, SCOLDS my Jason in front of the waitress about what he orders and says they can just share her meal! You let my Jason eat what ever he wants Evil Bee, he is honn-grey! Ike Turner Ballou would have taken off his shoe…and well, you know. Jason stands his ground and orders the chicken fried steak, the red chili cheese grits, and “one of those enchiladas too”. You go boy. I like a man I can eat with…since it is techincally my only hobby. Brooke ain’t having it and also requests a wheelchair with her meal so she can roll his morbidly obese ass out of there. I say forget the wheelchair because Jason is such a lardo that the CMT intern better in contact with Richard Simmons as soon as possibleÂ so he can call the fire department to come chop him out of his chair. Brooke go and pull out some newborn kitten’s whiskers with needle nosed plyers and leave my Jay-Jay alone?
To be continued…with the conclusion that includes the kiddapping of Dottie, family day with Mr. and Mrs. H and Baby H, some $2200 earrings, the drunk senile florist, and the Anniversary party!
BUT…if you are a TW fan you are probably well aware of the shit that has been going down. Â If not, this should clear things up for you…
Well, do you want to know what I have to say about all this? Â Momma Ballou said it perfectly: “It’s the fucking you get, for the fucking you got”.
I know that there is usually a bit a truth to every rumor, but I am going to at least wait until the sex tapes leak out. Isn’t that how this always works? Â It is only a matter of time until they are “stolen” out of a safe and Red Light District Video pays the girlsÂ $1 million each for distribution rights.