Once upon a time I used to do this celebrity gossip blog on Yahoo 360. Imagine that. One of my favorite things was to do full recaps of various shows like Flavor of Love and American Idol. Although I still watch every single Reality TV show I can find, I haven’t reviewed any television is a really long time. Well, until a little thing came into my life…a little thing called “Texas Women”. It was almost as if the heavens opened and JC said, “Rita, this one is for you.” This might be the perfect show to recap since it is about “Texas” and with Ali Dee in one of the staring roles, it also covers music in the “scene”. So boys and girls grab your red and blue Kindermats and gather around because like Jesus shared stories to the lepers, I am going to share with you the first episode of the most groundbreaking show since Rock of Love Bus…CMT’s new “TEXAS WOMEN”.
If you missed the episode, you can follow along with us below:
The show opens up with the Jason Aldeanâ€™s song “Sheâ€™s Country”. Hmm, while this is no doubt a rocking little â€œcountryâ€ tune, letâ€™s take a gander at the list of all the states this song mentions:
What an AWESOME song choice for the theme. It makes PERFECT sense why it was chosen for a television show about Texas. Oh wait, it doesn’t even mention Texas.
The first â€œTexas Womanâ€ we are introduced to is Anna Hunt. Oh and like most Texas Women, Anna is from California. I hate to admit this because it shows how sick my addiction to Reality TV is, but I already know this broad. Anna was on TLCâ€™s Beyond the Bull and Family Jewels with Gene Simmons.
I thought I was going to love Anna. Even though she is from California, I was so ready love her because before I became an heiress, I was also a woman in a manâ€™s world and I have also worked with all men the majority of my professional life. Again, I was ready to love her until the first thing that came out of her mouth was â€œwhen I get dirty and sweaty, they think thatâ€™s hotâ€. Ugh. Oh, donâ€™t get me wrong, I ainâ€™t hating on her…yet. I donâ€™t blame her one bit for using what she’s got…err, I mean bought because I have been known to bat my eyelashes at work from time to time to make my life easier.
Anna is a â€œstock contractorâ€ which is a fancy way of saying she supplies the livestock for the big rodeos. Can you say caaaching? Do you know what a good bucking bullâ€™s spooge goes for now a days? Letâ€™s just say one load of that spunk could buy about 15 of Hannahâ€™s Louis Vutton bags. Oh, who is Hannah you ask? Donâ€™t worry, we will get to her in a minute.
I couldnâ€™t come up with a catchy nickname for Anna and it would be tacky to go the obvious route and use the word that rhymes with her last name. Even I am not that mean. A few things that stand out for me are her uber trendy hair feather and the fact that is is working with about 380 ccâ€™s each. Her boobs look great in the wife beater and something tells me she doesnâ€™t have to wear a Lane Bryant 6 hook back smoothing bra to make them sit up and smile for the camera. I mean, she IS from California.
*Insert the ever popular Texas classic â€œMe and my Gangâ€ by Rascal Flatts as background music*
Next up, we meet Hannah and Brooke.
Hannah is our â€œparty girl/wild childâ€ of the bunch and calls herself â€œHurricane Hannahâ€…no seriously, she says the word â€œHurricaneâ€™ 8 times in the next 2 minutes. The first few clips we see of Hannah include her throwing back shots and dancing on the bar. Hello America, we have found our breakout star! I have two words for the future: Celebrity Rehab. I also gotta mention that Hannah is an amazon and looks about 6 feet tall…and she has legs for days. I read on the CMT website that Hannah is an “inspiring model” which is usually just code for “unemployed”.
Hannah and Brooke are besties that live together, even though Brooke immediately lets us know that Hannah is a kleptomaniac that likes to steal all her shit. Because of her sticky fingers, Brooke admits she encouraged Hannah to move outta her house and move in with Anna. The Hurricane is excited about her living situation because both of the girls are single. When she said that to the camera, I thought we were going to have our token reality show lesbians, but then I realized she just wanted to have someone to hit the bars with…because Brooke married. What a buzzkill. After Brooke grabs her little titties in the front yard and does a protective sweep of her luggage looking for stolen Kippy belts, Hannah hits the road!
Meanwhile at the house that CMT rented, Anna and her Yorkie pup Dorothy canâ€™t get in and she has to call Hurricane to see if she has a key. While Hannah calls herself Hurricane once again on the phone, poor Anna has to sit by the beautiful swimming pool with her case of product placement….errr, I mean Shiner Bock. Duh, of course she is drinking the California favorite Shiner, we are in TEXAS and that is what we do. And we all have oil wells in our back yard and are named “Tex”. Does anyone else think Hannah seems like she is blitzed on Novocaine? She seems a little too relaxed.
Anna and Stickyfingers walk into the house and the banter is painful to watch. Blah, blah, â€œI canâ€™t cookâ€, blah blah, â€œI donâ€™t do dishesâ€, blah blah. Awww, it is so cute that these skinny chicks think that we think they really eat. The inside of the place looks like a dump, but it does have a fascinating red and white checkâ€™d tablecloth floor. Oh, and Hannah has a dog too but we don’t know its name jut yet. Ugh, snoozefest…canâ€™t they at least do the obligatory fighting for bedrooms like they do on the Real World? I also think it is bullshit that they ALL don’t have to live in the house. Â Hello…have you not seen Jersey Shore?
At least at this point we get a good look at Hurricaneâ€™s hair extentions. How does she not realize she looks like a cocker spaniel that just got back from the groomers…short on top and crazy long on the bottom? Can someone get Kim Zolciakâ€™s wigmaster Derek G on the phone so he can tighten her weave up please?
Anywhoo, we are now chilling at the pool and Hannah says the word Hurricane yet AGAIN…are you serious? Willard fucking Scott doesn’t even talk about hurricanes this much in the month of September! Doesnâ€™t she know any other natural disasters? Jesus, can we get a landslide or a tsunami? Fuck me…how about El Nino?
We have more uncomfortable conversation by the pool…blah, blah…and Anna letâ€™s us know that Hurricane stole all of HER crap too. I think I am just going to nickname her Winona. And apparently these two hooches are the new Oscar and Felix…one is messy, one is clean. Naturally. Â They are the new Odd Couple! That right there is just good casting CMT. Bravo.
Anna and her boobs walk hand in hand with Winona off into the sunset until they see a spider and Hannah freaks out. I would personally like to thank the CMT cameraman for shooting this scene from behind because we again get to see Wiâ€™s hair extentions that are about 3 shades darker than her real hair.
I hate both of these bitches already…except for Dorothy, that bitch is cool.
After the commerical break we meet Brooke…errrr, I mean we HEAR Brooke. Bless her heart, but her voice is almost as annoying as…as well nothing I have ever heard in my lifetime! It is a cross between Minnie Mouse and Miss Howard Stern Andrea, if they both huffed an entire tank of helium.
Brooke is a barrel racer that is married to the kinda hunky yet oddly large earâ€™d professional bareback rider, Jason Jeter.
Brooke and Jason apparently keep their horses at his parents house and watching the clip I am fairly certain that Jasonâ€™s parents live at Churchill Downs. Holy back up the Brinks truck…did you see those stables? DAYMN! Those horses are living large! Their digs are so much better than Anna and Hannahâ€™s at the Checkerboard Hacienda.
Jason and Minnie head out to do what all Texas women do…blow up mole holes. Or are they gopher holes? Hell, they donâ€™t even know what they are, but those bastards are going down! Maybe they are groundhogs. Maybe they are prairie dogs. FUCK! I need to know! Actually, what I really need to know is do most Texas Women blow up woodchuck holes while wearing ginormous hoop earrings…because Brooke does.
While Brooke and Jason are Oklahoma City bombing the chipmunk dirt condos all I can picture are those assholes from PETA breaking out their poster board and Crayola markers and planning a little field trip to the CMT building in Nashville. I can hear the demonstration chant already…”There is no excuse for mole abuse, there is no excuse for mole abuseâ€
Where was I?
Is she fucking for real with that cackle and how can I get it for a ringtone?
I canâ€™t help but like Brooke and Jason as a couple, I think they are really cute…not as cute as a dead ground squirrel, but cute none the less.
FINALLY…it is time for some Ali Dee camera time.
Even though Ali is the â€œFirst Lady of the Dallas Mavericksâ€, an Emmy award winner, and the perfect example of how to wear clip in hair…we learn that it has always been her dream to be a country music singer. She says, and I quote, â€œI canâ€™t think of one thing I would do if I wasnâ€™t going to be playing country musicâ€. Ali, I have an idea that might help you out if you donâ€™t make it in country music…you can be the FIRST LADY OF THE MAVERICKS. You are welcome. Iâ€™m here to help.
This episode ADee has a gig at the Greenwood Saloon and she is super dee duper excited to play for the girls. Did you see what I did there? Hey…why in the hell doesn’t Ali have a Rita Ballou sticker on her guitar case??? Pffffttt. You are dead to me now Ali.
All the â€œTexas Womenâ€ show up and we get to experience the plethora of fake hugs and fake compliments. Seeing all these broads together it is pretty obvious that Ali is the hottest and classiest of the bunch.
Ali actually sounds pretty good doing her song, but I have a few questions. I have been to many a bar in this great state of Texas and I have never been in a bar where EVERY SINGLE MAN is wearing a cowboy hat. Come on CMT, gimmie a break. And speaking of cowboy hats, wasn’t this show taped in May? I have never seen a real cowboy busting out his FELT Stetson in May. I am calling BULLLLLSHIT.
I have been going to dance halls since about 7th grade when I would go with my parents to the SPJST and I ainâ€™t never seen no one in Texas dancing like Miss California. Did anyone else see Brooke fist pumping and rubbing up all over that random cowboy? I like to call this behavior “beer bottle deep throat foreshadowing”. Oh yes, wait for it.
At least nobody said Hurricane in that segment.
*Insert the ever popular Texas classic â€œMe and my Gangâ€ by Rascal Flatts AGAIN as background music*
Next we see Ali Dee crash the Ranch radio station in Fort Worth with a rubbermaid tub full of beef jerky and…a hubcab? Oh my hell…if you look at the receptionist desk she ALSO has a rubbermaid tub and a hubcab! What the fuck?
Ali, along with her massive Oriental Trader bamboo fan earrings and 62 bangle bracelets, â€œcold callsâ€ the station Loretta and Doolittle style and asks to see the Program Manager, but the chick at the front desk has to buzz him to see if he is available. Hmmm…since there is obviously a camera crew BEHIND her desk I am thinking the CMT production staff had to go in and set up lights in his office, I am just going to go ahead out on a limb and say it will be ok. I LOVED Aliâ€™s surprise face! Hey, I said Ali won an Emmy…not an Oscar.
Now it is time for the world to be introduced to the Grand Poobah of the Ranch radio, Kevin McCoy. Ugh, we have more uncomfortable dialogue where Kevin pretty much calls Ali out for not dedicating more time to her music career. (Ease up McCoy, she has a reality show to star in! Sheesh!) At long last, McDreamkiller does agree to play Aliâ€™s song during the Charla Corn show.
Did anyone catch the Clay Wilson Band CD on Kevin’s desk?
Somewhere in a Pike frat house in Texas a really tall guy just piddled his britches. (Luv ya Jdar, mean it!)
Am I the only one that thinks Kevin looks like Tippy the Turtle from those Art Institute â€œDraw Meâ€ ads you see in the back of the magazines?
Jesus Christ on a Ritz cracker I am exhausted already from this show…and we still have 18 more minutes to go!
So, next up we get a glimpse into Brooke and Jasonâ€™s castle and see Jason cooking some scrumptious looking steaks…or maybe they are gophers, either way Jason just might be my dream man. He even does the dishes.
Poor Brookie confides in my new boyfriend about how much she misses Stickyfingers and her dog Gus, but my man admits he wants to sit on his couch in his drawers so is glad she is gone. (GUS…Hannah’s dog’s name is GUS!) I have come to the conclusion that Jason is really deeply in love with his new bride because having a conversation with her seems like it would be a lot like talking to a toaster oven. Good for him. I love him for loving her.
Ugh, back to the Twatty Twins.
Hannah and Anna are heading out to the Stockyards to get their drank on and the first stop on the booze bus is the Reata. The Hurricane saunders right up to the bar and orders two Cosmic Cowboys. Hmmm, I dunno what is in a Cosmic Cowboy but I would guess that they contain alcohol. Dun…Dun…Dun.
Did Hannah happen to mention that she is only 20 years old? Thatâ€™s right boys and girls…underaged drinking in the bar caught on camera. I donâ€™t care about Hurricane Jailbait, but I do feel kinda bad for the bartender that served her. Those TABC peeps usually frown upon serving minors. Well, those Cowboys must contain absinthe because within seconds these biotches seem trashed, well at least Anna does.
Like all drunk frienemies, after a few cocktails Anna tells Winona that she needs to â€œgrow upâ€! OH NO SHE DIIIDDDDNâ€™T! Well, things go downhill from there. In the most obnoxious, cunty thing I have ever seen someone do…Hannah starts to WHISTLE at the bartender. Yes, WHISTLE like the person that is serving her drunk underaged ass is a cocker spaniel…all while wearing her cocker spaniel hair extensions. FUCK THAT NOISE. I think it is safe to assume that Hannah never had to work her way through anything in life by waiting tables.
Anna apologizes to the bartender and in MY OPINION playfully wacksÂ Hannah on the forehead with the drink menu…and in return Hannah full on open hand facepalms her and damn near knocks her off the barstool.
Wait, am I sniffing glue or doesn’t Anna wrestle 1200 pounds bulls? Why didnâ€™t she waylay her scrawny ass? I would have.
What. A. Bitch.
At this point, Anna doesn’t seem to know what the fuck just happened and is doing the uncomfortable laugh that you do when you donâ€™t know what the fuck just happened all while Hannah is ranting about how rude she is.
Wait…I want to make sure that yâ€™all get the complete cuntiness of her rant:
â€œThatâ€™s not ok Dawg. Like thatâ€™s rude. Like Iâ€™m gonna get pissed for real. Just donâ€™t touch me. Iâ€™m fine. Just donâ€™t touch me, its disrespectful.â€
Um, didn’t she just whistle at another human being and demand that she serve her but now she is lecturing people about disrespect?Â So they squabble more about it and Anna gives us the motivationalÂ quote of the decade:
*Insert the Young and the Restless theme music*
â€œYou know what life is? Life is getting thumped in the fucking forehead!â€
Preach it sister.
I am going to write that in lipstick on my bathroom mirror so I can see it every time I brush my teeth.Â Well, the Hurricane got downgraded to a Tropical Storm and storms out of the bar. Did you see what I did there?Â Alas, I remember a day when hitting someone would get you banished from a Reality TV show. Shit, David got kicked out of the Real World: Los Angeles house just for pulling Tami down the hall with her blanket.
â€œIT WASNâ€™T NOT FUNNY!â€
(Please tell me someone remembers that.)
I canâ€™t take it anymore. Make it stop. Iâ€™d rather watch a two hour â€œCasey Donahue Covers Broadway Showtunesâ€ DVD than another second of this crap but I have 13 more minutes to go.
I have to wrap this shit up because I am SO done with this episode. Ok, in a nut shell for the next 13 minutes Brooke and Hurricane go shopping and just KEEP talking about the fight, they all meet up to have dinner where Hannah shares her imaginary story that made it sound like Anna body slammed her, Hannah gets served a martini without being id’d yet again, Anna shows up to dinner with what looks like an spiral Ogilvie home perm, they talk more about the fight, they do some finger waggling, Alli tries to keep the peace…kinda, Hannah illegally drinks more, they all make up and head to the bar, Brookeâ€™s titties fall out of her floursant yellow top while she’s walking down the street…
*insert Big and Richâ€™s Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy*
…Hannah uses some dude as a stripper pool, and the PiÃ¨ce de rÃ©sistance…Brooke deep throats a beer bottle.
No wonder Jason loves her.
That deep throating concludes the recap of the first episode of the show and it looks like it is going to be a hell of a season. Can we now start placing bets on how soon we are going to see Hannah’s mugshot on TMZ? Â I can see it now…hair all jacked up and mascara running down her face. She’s a star! Mark my words.