Texas Woman Season Finale: “I think I’m gonna move again”…

Happy Traaaaillls to Youuuuuu, Untilll we meeeet again!

Yes kids, the show is over. Thursday night just wasn’t the same without the girls, was it? I have been so distraught about this show ending that I haven’t been able to recap the finale until now.

*Wipes tears*

Before we begin the end…let’s take a stroll down memory lane with how this shit all started:

Wait…what show was THAT? I watched every damn episode of this series and there was no Limo! I never saw Brooke in pig tails, I never saw her fall off her horse, I never saw Hannah dirty dancing or riding a horse, I never saw all of the girls shooting their guns, and I KNOW we never saw the girls at the Legacy Salon talking about humping cowboys. I would have remembered.

I feel a little cheated. Isn’t this called Bait and Switch? Oh well, it is what it is and it is over.

*Cue Jason Aldean for the last time*

Things start off this week pretty much how they started off every week, with Anna at the Diamond S…but are my eyes deceiving me? Say it ain’t so! Anna is wearing a shirt with SLEEVES? Sure ’nuff. Ike was sad. He sure is gonna miss those tank tops.

Besides working hard because Anna is a hard worker, she is “extremely” excited about taking Jackson to Decatur for a professional bull riding event. Hells yeah! Jack is finally getting his shot at the big time…just in time for the season finale. What a coincidence!

Some of the random cowboys that always “hang out” at Mr. Scott’s Ponderosa just happen to be standing around with their thumbs in their pockets and the least attractive of the two (Chris? Have we met Chris before? I can NOT keep these boys straight. I need flashcards.) says he “likes big ones” and that “he’d get on the yella one”…meaning Jackson. Anna asks him if he likes to get on fat chicks and he said he definitely doesn’t.

Chris suits up in his vest, St. Patrick’s Day chaps and Hannibal Lector mask and as Anna said…he “rides the hair off of him”. Well, I declare!  It was also the “best bucking that Jackson has ever done because he jumped “really high up in the air”.  Jackson also works hard because he is a hard worker. You go boy. Oh…and you too Chris.

How have I never noticed Anna’s tattoo before? Is it a star? And where in the hell are her giant earrings? Just because this is the end of the season doesn’t mean people should be slacking.

After the ride, we discover that Jackson is 5 years old and that Chris would trust him to go buck his stuff in Decatur.  In fact, if Chris had 10 Jackson’s at home he’d get on them everyday…unlike an obese female, he ain’t touching one of those. I like Chris even if he discriminates based on size…he said “Yes Ma’am” about 14 times so I think Momma Ballou would like him too.

And scene…

Brooke and Lewey show up at that other girl’s house…I think her name is Dorothy.  Wait, my bad. That’s not right. Oh, Ali. Ali is her name.  Sorry, I forgot because she was only in 2 1/2 episodes this season. Well, Brooke pays Ali a visit and Ali’s invisible dog didn’t even bark at her. (She said it, not me…I never saw the dog.)

Ali tells us that her EP (drink) is now in Pappy’s hands to be produced, so her next job is going to be planning the EP (drink) Release party. Oh happy day!

Since Brooke is the Hostess with the Mostess and THE Party Queen, Ali has called her in to help with the planning process. Gurrrl, you know Brooke has this shit covered or she can at least make Jason do it all!

Brooke needs to know exactly what goes down at an EP (drink) party so she can work some of her party magic, so Ali explains that everyone will “mingle, play a show and get excited about the music”.  Now, if it was me I’d just use the cabana at the Fontanelle Mansion pool for an acoustic show and have Zoila accompany me on the maracas, but apparently this is going to be a much more professional event. Ali is such a diva because she needs an actual stage, lights and a merch booth so they need to find a real venue. When did she become Diana Ross? Sheesh. Why not some backup dancers while you’re at it Ali?

(Please note, this party is in 2 days.)

The girls whip out Ali’s old school phone book to start calling around to find a place to have the party…and I have to agree with Brooke, who knew they still made phone books?  Even Momma Ballou doesn’t have a phone book!

Also, it looks like the CMT intern brought those plastic cups I requested during the last episode to the wrong place…he was suppose to drop them off at the Checkerboard Hacienda so the Nana’s wouldn’t be single-handedly causing Global Warming by not recycling their plastic Solo cups. It is good to know that the intern got them on sale…even if he forgot to take off the bargain bin price tag.

The first place Ali calls does have an awesome “high-end” room for an EP (drink) Release Party that is actually called “Musician’s Paradise” but there is a $15,000 minimum charge for the room.  Fifteen THOUSAND dollars…or roughly the price of Brooke’s purse. Yeah, CMT wasn’t gonna pay that much because they didn’t know this show was going to be a hit…so the search continues…right after Brooke hollers in the background “we will find some place cheaper!”

Ali thinks it might be better if Brooke pretends to be her on the next call, but begs her not to be mean to them.  Hello Ali…have you met the Evil Bee?  Of COURSE she is going to be mean to them and that is why we love her. If she was NICE, she would really be you and have 80% of her scenes left on the cutting room floor.

Brooke finally gets someone on the phone and asks the bar guy “do you have a stage with like lights, sound system you know where it sounds good cause it is you know releasing music so we want to make sure it sounds as best as possible.”

Shut the front door…that is awesome.  You can’t script that shit CMT. It just comes out of her mouth like that. If you don’t give this broad her own show I swear I’m going to sackpunch the entire CMT television department. I’m telling y’all, Brooke is the new Jessica Simpson…if Jessica Simpson would tell everyone to go fuck themselves after she punched them in the mouth.  I could watch that for hours.

Well the second place did have a high quality sound system, but they charged $7000 for the evening…which is roughly the price of Brooke’s missing silver platter. That is just way too much.

Ali thinks it would be better to go into Fort Worth and get in these people’s faces, smile and turn on the Texas charm because this party needs to be planned in the next couple days…besides, there is no way every bar in the Stockyard hasn’t already booked a band every Friday-Saturday night for the next 3 months. The girls, their denim Huggies and their giant earrings jump into Jim T’s Caddie…err, I mean Ali D’s Caddie and off to the city they go…high ho, high ho!

Team Alieter spends the afternoon visiting venues in the hopes that one will host the EP (drink) Release Party on one day’s notice. Their first stop was the White Elephant… because Ali “frickin loves the place”.

Alieter orders beer and they talk to the weird facial hair bartender guy about Ali being a singer and about the fact that she needed a place to throw her party. He tells them that there is a really long list of people waiting to play the White Elephant stage and they are booked at least 3 months out.

Buh buh ba dum b’woooow….

(That was my version of the Price is Right loser horn, just FYI.)

The gals stroll on out of the White Elephant with their beverages and visit with some of the Stockyard characters including the sweetly perverted toothless Saddle Maker Guy and the Mouse Riding the Cat Riding the Dog Dude.

The Mouse Riding the Cat Riding the Dog Dude, who strangely looks a lot like Pappy after a weekend of drinking gut rot tequila, tells the world that he only does things with animals that have never been done.

Uhhh…yeah Mouse Riding the Cat Riding the Dog Dude there are somethings that we don’t need to share in mixed company.  You might want to keep that little tidbit of information to yourself.

The girls try the Basement Bar but it didn’t feel country enough so they randomly wander into the Silverado Room and guess who they run across?!?!

It’s Donald from Memphis!

Remember him from the drummer try outs?  Oh…Karma is a bitch!

Just kidding…it’s not Donald. It’s Hootie!

Just kidding again…it’s Nick, the manager of the Silverado Room.

After introducing themselves, Ali jumps on the stage to try out the acoustics and Brook asks Nick if the speakers could hold dancers. This place looks like the perfect place for the EP (drink) Release party and after some eyelash batting and the promise to make the place “bumping”, Hoot…err, Nick agrees that for the low-cost of $500 bucks they can throw the EP Release party in the Silverado Room. CoughthatissuchbullshitCough

The girls leave the bar and say “see you Friday” to Nick without leaving a deposit or technically making any plans what so ever.  Yeah…because THAT would happen. I do have to say that I thought Brooke and Ali were pretty cute and funny filming together and it was nice to see that Ali wasn’t a mute.

And scene…

Next we see Anna and her tank top up at the ass crack of dawn working hard because she is a hard worker. She is loading Jackson up to take him to Decatur for the big professional buckin’.

Apparently Anna leaves the Diamond S in dark jeans and a tank top and arrives in Decatur in light jeans and a plaid button up. Hey, I’ve always heard if you can have sex in a truck you can get dressed in a truck. That might be hard work, but Anna works hard because she is a hard worker.

Well, all the pressure is on Jackson!  If he doesn’t work hard and buck high in the air, he won’t have another chance.  I really hope Jackson works hard because I’d hate to see him on the menu at Grady’s as next week’s lunch special. That would be all kinds of sucky.

(Did 14 other bulls just get to go along for the ride too?)

Come on Decatur, let’s buck some bulls!

Anna explains the basic rules of how bull riding scores work and we learn that each judge has points for the bull and points for the rider…so the better the rider that draws the bull the better.

Professional Bull Rider Dusty LaBeth draws Jackson and I don’t think I have ever heard a better name for a bull rider.  It is a lot like the name Stoney LaRue for a Red Dirt singer, but…different.

Anna is happy with the draw because Dusty is always on the top of the PBR tour and I  amhappy with the draw because it gives me a reason to post this picture I found on Dusty’s Fan Facebook page of Dusty holding Hannah’s old hair weave.

Gigglesnort.

Well…the CMT camera dudes didn’t get a very good angle of the ride, but it appears as if Jackson won’t be next week’s meatloaf because he “bucked really well”…or at least this dude thought so.

I never caught Dusty’s score for the ride, but I’m assuming that he also “rode the hair” off of him.  I am proud of Jackson!  You go boy.

Commercial time!

Well kids, as well all know by now…this IS the season finale and times they are a changing. If you remember from last episode, Hannah has matured so much during the past 4 weeks and since she is now a responsible adult the job offers are coming in fast and furiously.

Hannah is cruising down the street when she gets a call from our favorite Hair Ninja, Ale!  I love me some Ale…oh, and his name is pronounced Ah-Lee not Ale like the beer. Just FYI.

Well, All-E has a “gig” coming up and he figured that with her height, her pretty face, her new look and her new hair that Hannah would be the perfect person to be the Face of the Ninja and do some advertising for his website!  How exciting!  I am sure it had nothing to do with the fact that she is about to be staring on the 2nd highest rated reality show on CMT or anything…but either way “yes, yes, yes, definitely” Hannah was interested in the job.

As much as I loved Janet from the legacy, I have become oddly obsessed with all things Hair Ninja lately.  I am still waiting for him to accept my Facebook friend request, but I have throughly studied his Esoterica Salon website. Did you know the salon has an actual “club” too?  Yeah…like a bar club.  We don’t have any stuff like that here in Shitville.  I guess if you WANTED to, you could get William down at the VFW on Golf Course Road to give you a flat top, but something tells me it’s not going to be the same experience. My question is…why didn’t Ali have her EP (drink) Release party HERE?

Anywhoo, our little Hannah is now a working model.  Today Ale’s website, tomorrow the cover of Italian Vogue. Hannah can’t wait for Anna to get home from working hard, because she is a hard worker so she can give her the big news…little does she know, Anna has a little news of her own.

Dun Dun Dunnnnn….

Anna is in the pickup when she gets a phone call from Dan over at “The Ranch” in Oklahoma. At first I didn’t know if “The Ranch” was a steakhouse or a radio station…but apparently it is a real ranch with cows and shit.

Dan saw what Anna did with her bulls…err, bull in Decatur so he looked her up and is calling to offer her a job running “The Ranch”. The only issue is Dan has SO many people “wanting this job” but they really want her “with her experience and stuff”so Dan needs her to leave the life she has created for herself during the past 4 weeks she has been living in Texas and head to Oklahoma and start immediately. Hey, it beats the shit out of busting up concrete in Idaho.

Anna tells Dan she is going to have to think about it and get back to him at the end of the day because as much as she needs to do this for herself AND her bulls…she doesn’t know how she is going to break the news to Hannah. If it was me I’d say…”Hey Hannah, CMT is finished filming and they are kicking us outta the Checkerboard Hacienda by noon tomorrow so I am going to live in Oklahoma.  Peace out.”

Anna and her two red plastic Solo cups comes home to find Hannah on the couch with her one blue Solo cup.

Anna comments on how “chipper” Hannah is and she explains it is all due to her good news. She asks Anna if she remembers her going to get her hair cut for the photo shoot and of course she does…it was last week. Well, the place where she went to have her hairs did was so “legit” with ”all these posters with models and stuff” that the dude called her for her first paid modeling job!  Yup, no agent, no booker, no having to go on “go sees” like Tyra makes the girls on “America’s Next Top Model” have to deal with…the owner of the business on all the best modeling jobs just come to you. Duh.

I just want to know how I can get one of those badass Helvey baseball caps. Those things are sweet.

*Insert dramatic music*

Well. Hannah. is. not. the. only. one. *deep breath* that. got. a phone. call. today. *deep breath*

This next part is so fucking over the top ridiculous that even I can’t snark it up properly.

It. Is. So. Dramatic.

Anna says: ”Frankly, my dear…I don’t give a damn”

Wait, that is Gone with the Wind.

Anna says: ”Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Nope, that is from Casablanca.

Anna says: ”Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

Shit, that is Dirty Dancing.

Anna says: “Uh, I don’t know. Uh. I got a phone call too. It’s an opportunity too but its a little *voice cracking* bittersweet.”

No No No No…don’t say it.  It can’t be true. Say it’s not so!

Anna continues in her fake crying voice that never seems to produce any tears: “I think I’m gonna move again”.

CMT instantly cuts to commercial!

Are you kidding me? How can they do that to us??

We are back and Anna is crying more now that she did when Dorothy ran away. At least she got her money’s worth out of those Screen Actors Guild dues.

Anyway, Hannah is “excited for her” but at the same time “like they are REALLY close and”…and, and, and…and the hell if I know because Hannah was also too upset to finish her sentence. This is some really emotional stuff you guys. Even I was so moved by this scene that I am not sure that I am even going to be able to finish writing about it.

Wait…it is not because I am so moved, it is all such over the top bullshit that I don’t even WANT to finish writing about it and for the first time all season I might have to fast forward it.  I don’t mind suspending disbelief for the sake of a story line, but just don’t insult your audience’s intelligence. Seriously, it was easier to watch the fucking Eatenton’s bury Shelby than it was to watch this shit. I guess Hannah and Anna would rather have 4 weeks…or more like 2 when they were actually getting along, of wonderful than a life time of nothing special.

Hey, the baby in that movie was named Jackson too!  Coincidence? It can’t be.

Hannah is really sad but she is also happy for Anna because she has pushed her so much that it has started a fire inside of her that she is eternally grateful for.  No really…she said that!  My guess is she was reading the cue card that the CMT intern was holding over Anna’s shoulder.

A fire inside of her?  What in the hell…did Anna give her herpes? Did the cricket lasagna give her a hemorrhoid?

I can’t take it anymore.  I’m out.

I fast-forwarded it to Jason and Brooke in the barn at Jeterhill Downs.

Evidently it is Alfredo’s day off because Brooke is busy cleaning up the poop, sweeping out the stalls and breaking a new colt named Salt for his owners. Brooke likes Salt and thinks he would make a good investment for someone to “do something with”…but NONE of these things are important because do y’all see what I see??????

Oh yes kids that is a Flying Guitar! I don’t think anything could make me smile more than if Casey had a bump-it in his mane.

Jason is being weird and Brooke knows that something is up because Jason never comes to visit her in the barn…and she is correct. Because Jason is the husband of the decade, he bought Salt for Brooke to train since Whiskey is broke down. Awww, how sweet.

Brooke tell Jason she already has six horses but she is very happy that she is Salt’s new momma, even if she’d rather have a zebra. Jason tells her it is no problem because at least Salt will keep her busy and keep her out of his business.  That is the same reason Ike bought me this MacBook…except that might have backfired on him because I haven’t left the house since he bought it and now he’s trapped in here with me.

And scene…

It’s time for some Ali Dee because today is the day for her EP (drink) Release Party!

Ali, wearing a romper outfit from this year’s Gymboree collection, meets up with her band and her manager Adam at the Silverado Room to prepare for the night’s festivities…and admire the gigantic poster of herself that is hanging from the ceiling.

Brooke and Jason show up to the bar early so they can do a little street team work by passing out flyers and trying to gather up a decent crowd for the shindig.

Hey…wait just a dadburned minute! Ali looks like Rita if she was out of the bathtub! Grrrr….what’s up with that?

I have done my share of Street Team stuff in my life, but I don’t think I have ever come up with such great pitches as Brooke does:

“She has frickin’ jewels on her guitar” and “Are you kidding me? Two grown men don’t want to come see THIS on stage? Really?”

I think my pitch might have been: “Hey CMT is filming a reality show about a pretend EP (drink) Release Party, if y’all come there is a chance you could be on TV”.

Either way, Brooke worked hard trying to round-up some party peeps unlike the Nana Sisters, even if she bitched about why this was all HER job and her job alone.

Unlike Ali’s real friend, the Nana sisters are taking their time getting ready and looking “so frickin cute”…all with the help of a little blue Solo cup action. Anna tells Little Sister than she is going to have to act like a mature young lady tonight because Brooke is going to be there. Hannah promised she would behave because Momma H already texted her and told her that she couldn’t get hammered and scream at bloggers in the hotel lobby…no, wait. That wasn’t what she texted, that is just how mature young ladies usually behave.

The girls head on out to the Stockyard and Hannah tells Anna that if Brooke is being mean they are just going to leave and go to Cadillacs. Anna tells her they will do no such thing…they are there to support Ali, even if they didn’t come early and pass out flyers and try to get people to come to the show. Hannah is convinced that Ali is on “Brooke’s Side” and Anna said she didn’t care because “why are they on sides?”

(Oh, sorry…the bell rang. The 7th grade lunch period is over…please continue.)

The Nanas arrive and everyone agrees that Ali looks “smokin” and before we know it, Adam introduces Ali Dee to the crowd and the show begins. Even though there is still tension between the non-team Teams, Ali is only focused on entertaining.

Ali opens her set with “Fools Gold” the ever popular ditty we heard her record at Pappy’s palace. The girls are all on different sides of the room, but considering their history that is a pretty good idea. I mean…it’s a good idea for humanity, just a bad idea for Reality TV drama.

Ali closes the show with “World’s Gone Crazy” and was very pleased with their performance because the band was tight and there were even people lined up to get their EP’s (drink) signed…err, I mean pictures signed. It was a night Ali will never forget.

Did anyone notice the only thing missing for this EP (drink) release party was an actual EP (drink)?????

Now it is time for things to get serious!

Adam sits Ali down and tells her that she has been playing Texas clubs…between Maverick games I guess…and recording an EP (drink)…but there is one city that she wants to go to. Nashville! Adam tells her that there is an apartment waiting for her for the next 3 months and moving to Nashville is the next step in her future so it is time for her to turn it up a notch.

Adam got more camera time in this episode than Ali got this entire season and if I hadn’t met him in person I would swear that he was Armando Montelongo from Flip this House…and he is a much better actor than all of these gals put together.

Oh good golly. Everything is changing, everyone is moving…and even Ali tells us that there is still more to this story that is untold. Here’s hoping!

Commercial break…

*Insert sad music*

Ali is packing and preparing to leave Texas to follow her dreams to Nashville. We get one last shot of those amazing red high heels…but I have to call BULLSHIT on the fact that Ali can live in Nashville for THREE months and only pack one suitcase THAT size. Dude, come on..gimme a break, her hair and makeup alone wouldn’t all fit in that bag.

Ali gets into her Caddie and heads to Tennessee…and when I say Tennessee, I mean she drives around the block while the camera crew packs up and leaves before she goes back into her house to watch tv and take a nap.

Brooke doesn’t have any regrets with the way things worked out with Hannah because “it is what it is”. Brooke loves and will miss hanging out with the girls, but her life is really all about Jason and her horses.

And finally…the Nanas are packing up the Checkerboard Hacienda and Anna tells us that she. dramatic pause. has. dramatic pause. really. dramatic pause. enjoyed. dramatic pause. living with Hannah and Hannah is afraid to let Anna go because she is so overwhelmed.

The girls share one last hug, confess their love for one another and Hannah and Gus watch Anna drive away knowing their lives will never be the same….or at least until Season Two starts filming!

The End

(I’m sorry that this final recap wasn’t very humorous, but I guess I am just a little bitter too. Well, that shit about Hootie and Dusty with Hannah’s old weave was funny.)

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Brooke opened up her own party planning business that she named “Ambiance”. The business quickly failed because Brooke had to spend a little time in the hoosgow for beating the shit out of a mother at the first party she planned because the mom said she was better at Pin the Tail on the Donkey than she was.  Brooke is currently in talks with FOX to become the voice of a new character on the Simpsons, Bart’s pet cricket named Saucey.

Hannah took off for the bright lights of Hollywood and her first stop was the Playboy Mansion. She is currently living with Hugh Hefner and 5 other girls and will be staring in the her own new E! Reality Show “Hef and the Hurricane” premiering this fall.  Gus is living high on the hog and enjoying all the attention.*Spoiler: Hannah leaves Hef because he is just way too young for her.*

Anna starts her own line of wine she names “Jackson’s Joy Juice” and was just about to ink a multi-million dollar deal with Solo plastic cups, when sadly…she had to check into Celebrity Rehab. Her and Shelly the Resident Tech become life long best friends after 4 weeks and Dr. Drew gives her a permanent position on the Pasadena Recovery Center staff because he discovered that she works hard because she is a hard worker.

Ali Dee becomes the First Lady of the Dallas Mavericks! Oh, wait…she was already that when she joined the cast. Ali returns from Nashville a little discouraged because she didn’t get a record deal, but joins up with Luke Kaufman and Donald the drummer to start a music Trio named “Fool’s Gold”. They are discovered on a new reality talent show produced by Scott Borchetta of Big Machine Records and instantly become bigger than Lady Antebellum. They are currently on tour with The Band Perry, Thompson Square, and Steel Magnolia.

~Rb