Texas Woman: Episode One “Getting Rowdy” Part Two

Screen shot 2012-04-13 at 8.09.11 PM

So, where were we?

Oh I remember…Miss Proper Ali had just left Lusha at the restaurant because she was too incoherent to communicate in front of the cameras and the crew all got the afternoon off.

(I just made that part up.)

Brooke comes over to AD’s house and just happens to stumble upon her in the backyard while she is practicing her “team roping” skills…because THAT would happen…and Ali drops the bomb that she is planning on throwing Hannah a 21st birthday party. Brooke agrees that was very nice of Ali to do but there is no way in hell she is going to celebrate the day of Hannah’s birth…I mean, she has a lot of rodeos coming up and she might be too busy to attend.

Ali thinks it would be a great idea for all the girls to go to dinner together and put everything out of the table so they can all sign their contracts for Season Two and get paid…I mean, so they can all work on their friendships.

Brooke says she wants Hannah to prove her wrong and show her she has changed because all she wants is for her to start being honest and owning up to her mistakes like a big girl.

Brooke has a lot on her agenda and has to prioritize and Hannah’s soiree isn’t high on the list, but she will still go to the party because she is contractually obligated…errr, I mean because she wants to support Ali Dee.

Look who it is again! It is Professional Bullrider Cory Melton. Everyone say “Hi Cory!”

The girls need Cory’s help because they want to hook the roping dummy onto the Gatormobile and ride around…again because THAT would happen. A pair of magic chaps appear on Ali’s ass out of no where and it is time for some good old-fashioned gratuitous titty bouncing! Whooohoooo…

Brooke’s titties’ turn!

That is enough fun and flopping on the farm…it is time to take things back into the city.

Ali goes over to visit with Otis, I mean Anna, at the Texas School Book Depository to see if she has managed to sober up.

(Why do they have a hot water bottle cover hanging on their kitchen wall? Or is that a pot holder?)

Anna apologizes to ADee for her behavior and admits that she has been going through a lot of tough stuff in her life and that she has been drinking too much to help numb the pain. I think we have all been there at some point and my drug of choice has always been a #7 with Cheese, Supersized with a large Dr. Pepper. Don’t they always say that admitting you have a problem is the first step in reality television character damage control?

Anna is creeping up on the age of 30 and she doesn’t have a boyfriend or husband or kids and she thinks her hard partying lifestyle goals are changing. Dr. Ali McGraw assures her that as soon as she starts to fix herself and stop taking the easy way out with the bottle, all of her dreams will fall in place. Ali believes Anna doesn’t need to “bottle up” all her issues and she can always depend on her friends to be there for her when she needs them.

Enough of that shit…this ain’t the Oprah show, let’s plan this friggin birthday party already! Anna’s first suggestion is cocktails.

Gigglesnort.

Back to the Jeterhill barn and the setting of the infamous “shower scene” of last season or Ike Turner Ballou’s fantasy porno movie set, Peacekeeper Dee is trying one more last-ditch effort to get Brooke to come on down from the cross and agree to a meeting with the ‘Nanas.

DRINK

Brooke is still pissy but finally relents and says that she will go for the good of the paycheck…err, I mean group but things will never be the same with her and Hannah. Either way, she STILL wants to hear from Hannah’s mouth that she knows she done her wrong and that she is sorry.

Meanwhile at the Gypsy Soule factory…err, I mean the Diamond S, Drunklesdorf and Hester Prynne Helvey (Google it) are having a little pow-wow of their own.

Hannah openly admits that it is way past time to talk about the “white elephant” in the room…which isn’t to be confused with the “pink elephant” or the saloon in the Fort Worth Stockyards. She’s so pretty. Hannah is a little nervous that Brooke will attack her…but that color lip gloss color on her is fabulous! I want it.

Anna makes it very clear to her that in no way does she condone what she did, but “they” can make it right. Hmmm…ok. I am not sure how this became about her, but whatevvs. Tony Robbins-Hunt says it is just time to put on the big girl panties and for Hannah to walk into dinner with a smile on her face and be proud of the person she is. Guess what!?! Anna is going to be there for her! You don’t say.

*Cue The Pistol Annies*

Whooohooo…this is the perfect song for this show. I wonder how much CMT forked over to use “Hell On Heels” because it was worth it. Let’s get this shitshow on the road!

Ali is the first to speak and comments that things sure are awkward. Anna is glad they are all there. Brooke’s body language is hostile. Hannah is ready to admit to her mistakes and beg for forgiveness.

DRINK

Hannah wants to know what it is that she needs to do to make things right and Brooke says she doesn’t need anything, she just wants her to admit to what really happened so she wouldn’t get so much shit from the world thinking that she is an evil psycho bully that was jealous of her and Anna’s new friendship.

Brooke calls Hannah a liar, Hannah says what is the point of admitting anything if she isn’t going to believe her anyway and Anna downs some liquid substance in a wine glass.

Brooke says where she comes from it ain’t right to hump married men, Hannah says she’s owning up to her mistake and all of a sudden a naked dude shows up on my television screen. What in the hell? Oh…it is a preview for the segment after the commercial break.

Back to the dinner table…

Brooke calls Anna a “lying bitch” because she knew what was going on the entire time and didn’t say anything. Anna says she ain’t Hannah’s momma and it’s not her job to be her vagina’s keeper and she doesn’t want to be drug into anything. Anna then tells Brooke to get off her “fucking high horse” (Casey? Whiskey The Gray horse whose name I don’t remember?) because who the fuck does she think she is…right about the time the poor waitress, who I am naming Alice, walks in…and quickly turns around and hauls ass right on outta the room.

HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Sorry, the look on the waitress’ face was priceless.

Can’t these bitches just hug it out?

Ali Dee finally has had enough of this bullshit and wants to know what happens next. Are they going to move on, try to fix things or just piss away her chance at her own line of clothing, jewelry and sunglasses because they all just can’t get along?

Those are all really good questions, but what I really want to know is where is the Chestnut-Bellied Hummingbird that had to sacrifice his life for Ali’s earrings? I’d bet my first unborn child that Jason shot it and has it mounted on the living room wall, right beneath the Mediterranean Monk Seal that he killed on his last hunting trip to Venezuela.

Anyway, yada yada, blah blah…tears are shed but it is time to move forward because they are all willing to tell the truth from now on and not choke each other out.

Sigh. Put on some giant bracelet hoop earrings and pass the booze because after watching all of that I need a drink.

The next day Jason and Brooke discuss the dinner and he tells her that it is just time for her to let by gons be by gons and to try to take it down a notch and not be such a hard ass. But, this question still remains:

Will Brooke go to Hannah’s birthday party? The suspense is killing me.

I am mentally exhausted from watching all of that. I need some greasy naked man candy to take my mind off of all of that drama.

*Cue the greasy naked man candy*

Who is that I hear? It is Miss Proper Dee!

Ali tells us that the gals are going to hire a stripper or two to be the entertainment for Hannah’s birthday party and then asks where do you find strippers in Fort Worth? Well, you don’t…you go to Dallas because that’s where they are!

CeeCee, Anna and Ali head to the world-famous weenie bar LaBare in Dallas to “audition” some strippers for Hannah’s birthday party…because that would happen. I am sure LaBare has no problem opening up the establishment in the middle of the afternoon so three broads could pick one of their dancers for a 21 year old’s birthday party.

Honestly, I don’t have that much to say about this scene. It’s not because I don’t like big hunks of man meat, because I do…but something about watching a guy named “Logan” dry hump Ali Dee’s size 00 ass and her telling us she just felt his teeter that weirds me out. I know she is a grown woman with parakeets hanging from her ear lobes, but she could fit into the Garanimals toddler collection and all those pelvic thrusts are just too fucking icky for me to handle.

Ehh, whatevvvs.

The girls are having a good time at least. It does look like fun I guess…if you are a homosexual man. I have done the male stripper thing but naked hot dudes air humping just doesn’t do much for me and I damn sure ain’t giving them any of my cash. If you want to fill my Spanxs fulla lady pudding just pay the mortgage, empty the dishwater and let me watch Bravo Andy talk about the Housewives on the big TV instead of Sports Center.

You will never guess which stripper the girls picked to perform at the party!

ALL OF THEM!

Duh.

(For the record, my fat old ass could never manage to get lady wood for a man wearing a white belt or jeans with embroidered pockets and Dexter boat shoes no matter how long he wallered in my lap. I’m just sayin.)

Well, boys and girls it is past my bedtime and I have a big radio remote tomorrow at the Ford place. (It is really the Hun-day place but I am not sure how to spell Hun-day and I too tired to look it up.) Please forgive me for just giving you the Cliff’s Notes version of the last few minutes of the show. I promise I will make it up to you with next week’s recap.

Brooke and Ali…who don’t know how many days there are in a year…find the only white people in Fort Worth that still do pedicures.

Jason admits that he isn’t angry at Hannah anymore, he just feels like she took advantage of them. My Jason is over it and just wants to move on. I think we all agree.

Hannah’s party seems to be a success…even if I wasn’t invited. HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY HANNAH! Kisses and Hugs from the Shitville Ballous!

I can’t remember if Brooke and Cold Head Nicole showed up because my Lunesta kicked in, but either way…I am ready for Episode Two!

Bring it on.

~Rb

17 Comments

  • Reply April 13, 2012

    OMG

    You are the funniest!!!!!!!! You should be a writer for the darn show

    • Reply April 14, 2012

      Huge fan of Rita

      You really could be a writer for the show. Your comments are hysterical and I am laughing my lil ass off

  • Reply April 13, 2012

    Anon Y Mouse

    Thank you for writing these reviews so I don’t have to actually watch the show. I prefer snarky recaps to the real thing!!

  • Reply April 13, 2012

    Anon Y Mouse

    That video is even better with RRB playing in the background lol!!

    • Reply April 14, 2012

      bmd

      Hahaha. I’m not gonna let you wear your crown, this time around…

      Rita these recaps are as hilarious as ever! LOVE it.

  • Reply April 14, 2012

    Too lazy to be clever

    Why does Hannah with an H have to apologize to Brooke, Holier than Everyone, for sleeping with a married man and not telling her (ugh, why you gotta know everyone’s business?) unless it was Brooke’s married man. All the Housewives do it…errr ok, only some of them do it but this seems like the same show with younger women who don’t work.

    Amiright?

  • Reply April 14, 2012

    Concerning Nanas with a H as in Hannah

    I am sure counting on Hannah to call into your show on Monday with her side of the story. Unless she is scared of the truth. Cant wait for Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Reply April 14, 2012

      Cant wait

      I cant wait to hear what kind of lies are HER truth. I worked for a horse trainer in OK named Judd at the same time se did after highschool, she has always told people she rode horses for him, when in reality she was a barn boy that was fired for stealing other peoples things. I never liked her and you know who I am Michelle..:)

    • Reply April 14, 2012

      Cant wait

      I cant wait to hear what kind of lies are HER truth. I worked for a horse trainer in OK named Judd at the same time she did after highschool, she has always told people she rode horses for him, when in reality she was a barn boy that was fired for stealing other peoples things. I notice you have not kept in touch with those you worked with then, why is that? Karma will always catch up….

      • Reply April 14, 2012

        Curious

        What the hell is this all about??????????????? Time for everyone to chill and move on

    • Reply April 14, 2012

      Rita follower

      What time is Hannah calling in on Monday? I have to hear her side of the drama

  • Reply April 15, 2012

    Where r u Rita ?

    My friends and I are waiting for your Texas Woman discussion from last night!!!!!!! I am sure you must have watched Episode 2 but we can go much longer without your recap of the show!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Reply April 15, 2012

      A new fan

      Yeah!!!!!!!!!!! We need to hear about the episode according to Rita!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Reply April 17, 2012

        Rita & Texas Women fanatic

        Where’s the new recap?!?!?! Dying for it!

  • Reply April 17, 2012

    Anonymous

    So……..is Anna drinking too much because she’s DATING (AKA banging) a married man?

    No husband or boyfriend…..WHATEVER, that’s a freaking JOKE. Does Homewrecker not apply to having a boyfriend?

    • Reply April 18, 2012

      ...

      Anna didn’t sleep with a married man, Hannah did.

      • Reply April 22, 2012

        Anonymous

        No, Anna sleeps with married men all the time!!!!!!.. She is a buckle bunny!

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