TURN DOWN YOUR VOLUME OR UNCLE STACEY WILL START TALKING AND SCARE YOU TO DEATH
Welcome back to Episode Two of this season’s Troubadour, Tx. Yes, I am an entire week behind on my recaps but these things take time and I am slow. It is nearly impossible to keep up with my ridiculously demanding schedule of watching the Housewives reunion specials, taking caller number 7 and interviewing Shooter Jennings about why he did that douchetrocious music video with Bucky Covington. (I could get these things up the day after the shows air if maybe if that week’s episode could magically find its way to my email box. Just saying. Someone feel free to hook a sister up.)
You can follow along below!
We start this week with a little preview of “one of Texas’s most dynamic performers” aka Dream Liver better known as Mr. Roger Creager and pressure feeling Dream Chaser other dude that no one really knows, Josh Grider. That’s it? Only TWO artists this week instead of 14? Yes! I don’t have concentrate that hard to watch this episode. That works out for me, especially with this recap because I am NOT feeling the funny today. As always, I will do my best.
After Uncle Stacey Dean Campbell tell us about where dreams live, and die and rise again…we soon learn that singer/songwriter Roger Creager doesn’t live life on he road, he lives it in the sky.
Who has time to sit in a car or a van or a bus all day when there are dreams out there to be living? Not Roger! Roger doesn’t have time for that shit, he flys his own air plane because traveling on an actual road is just mind numbing. I totally agree. He wants to keep his mind focused and enjoy something different, so he will grab some of the guys in the band and hit the open sky. I’m not even going to insert any Jim Croce, Patsy Cline, Lynyrd Skynyrd or Ricky Nelson jokes here. I have a bad enough time with Karma and it is all fun and games until you are John Denver. Like Roger said in that clip, Commando style is bad.
It is July in South Texas and it is Roger’s pleasure to be inside Gruene Hall sweating his ass off with the rest of us. I do say us, because I was at this show and “hot” is the biggest understatement of the decade. Unless you have ever worm a pair of Target brand Spanx Power Panties to Gruene Hall in the middle of July, you can’t even imagine how hot it was at this show. I did and I can. It was fucking miserable.
Uncle Stacey verifies my description by confirming that it was 104 degrees in Gruene Hall. See…I told you so. He also tells us that Roger is singing to a SOLD OUT crowd that knows almost every word to every one of his songs.
Sidenote: Ladies, I ain’t hatin’ on you for partying but just incase no one ever bothered to tell you, I will. Consider this my public service announcement to the music watching community: DON’T BE THAT GIRL!
I don’t give a shit if you are only 5’2, that ain’t MY fault and it isn’t the fault of all the people standing behind you either! Blame your momma and daddy. GET DOWN. It is rude and annoying, ESPECIALLY in an INDOOR venue. If you can’t see the band, you shoulda worn heels. If you still insist on being the “look at me, look at me” girl on your boyfriend’s shoulders in the middle of concert, at least do something interesting like show everyone on You Tube your sloppy boobs or fall off and land on your fucking face so we can all mock you. Or both.
We finish up the gig with Roger singing the crowd favorite, “Love” in his fancy long sleeve pearl snap plaid shirt. Hmmm…really Roger? What happened to your standard black Hanes short sleeve t-shirt? Did you get all fancied up for the cameras?
The day after the show we find Roger in his motel room still snoozing at 1:34 in the afternoon while his band is out getting their Pontoon on. A topless Rick Wheretheredferngrows uses the phrase “you know” 3 times and reminds us that it is hot every July in the Hall. But wait…where is Roger?
Oh no…say it ain’t so!
Roger is SICK.
A sick Roger?
What’s wrong with our Roger?!?! Could he have Gynecomastia or Dipsomania or Monkey Pox? Trench Mouth? Jet Lag? West Nile? Should we all go and donate blood to help save Roger? We can hold a telethon! Does Roger need me to go and snuggle with him….err, I mean donate some of my bone marrow because I totally will!?!?
Don’t worry, he is just battling the “flu” and “about a 100 degree fever”.
ABOUT a 100 degree fever? Dude, that isn’t even officially a fever! Hell, it was hotter in Gruene Hall that it is under Roger’s tongue. Get your hung over ass up Roger. We ain’t buying that “flu” bullshit.
Sidenote: just when you were all feeling sorry for these Troubadours for sacrificing time away from their families and having to live on Taco Bell and truck stop coffee all for their love and passion of the music, Uncle Stacey tells us that the Roger Creager Band band travels with instruments…and a boat.
Just when we were thinking Roger might not be able to pull thru his horrible illness and was walking toward the light, he tells us that the “show must go on! Roger is a fighter! He is outta the woods and his fever has made it all the way down from 99.8 to 98.6! Praise the Lord! These people came to see a show and by golly they are going to see a show. Troubadours don’t get to play shows when they want to, they have to play shows when they are scheduled. Crying ain’t what they wanna hear. People came to see a show and they are going to see a show…complete with harmonica, accordion, trumpet, piano and a washboard.
Roger is sitting outside of Gruene Hall in a fancy smancy old timey car, but we will get back to that later. After Roger admits that he only has to work for 90 minutes a day, we get a special treat! Yes, no Texas music show would be complete without one…I give you…a Man Fan!
Homie has seen Roger over 150 times in concert. I love him. He is bringing it down. I only know that he is bringing it down because he just said so, I just don’t know what “it” is and I really don’t need to know.
After a nice cameo from Paul Overstreet, Stacey Dean Campbell tell us and I quote: “His album Surrender has been in the top ten on the Texas Country Music Charts.”
Ummm…neither one of the Texas Music Charts ranks albums, only singles…but you know…whatever.
Before we cut to commercial we get a few other cameos including from Max Stalling and one from everyone’s favorite fairy twin sisters, The Spankin’ Twins.
Why aren’t these little glitter-shitters sweating like hogs? How is that fair? Why are they just glistening in their completely coordinated outfits with smokey eye shadow and THE accessory that is trending for the fall, the Bubble Necklace? I don’t think they are real. Seriously, they just came outta nowhere with their tutus and infectious giggles and charmed us all in the matter of what…a year? A year and a half? I haven’t exactly figured it out yet, but I am willing to bet they are some sort of supernatural beings.
I did a little research and I came up with the definition for what I think they are…Nymphs. Check it:
Nymphs are generally regarded as divine spirits who animate nature, and are usually depicted as beautiful, young nubile maidens who love to dance and sing; their amorous freedom sets them apart.
Tell me I’m wrong. I dare you.
When we return we see some young girls and Miss Texas getting their Creager on. Basically it is just another day at the office for the boys. Yawn.
Once again for what I think is the third time, SDC tells us that Roger is one of the most dynamic performers in Texas that makes every performance a high energy experience. Yeah…I think we got that.
Now, I might be paraphrasing here but did Roger really just say that he liked to hang out with young people??? Oh my hell. Do you people even know the amount of inappropriate jokes I can make here? My fingers are literally shaking at the excitement about the Creager jokes I could and should make right now, but I’m not going to. That is just too easy.
Meanwhile in Nashville, Mr. Josh Grider appreciates us being here. Josh, like every Texan, started out in La Cruces, New Mexico but when he was 18 he moved to Texas and started playing in bands. He also moved to Texas to go to Baylor. He forgot that whole private Baptist college thing, but that doesn’t sound as Troubadour’y, so maybe that is why he left it out.
Ugh, see…I was afraid of this. Now I feel like an asshole for making fun of Josh because I know him in real life and that is any bloggers FIRST mistake. I know better! I have watched the movie Almost Famous about 48930 times and like Lester Bangs told William, “You cannot make friends with the rock stars.”
Josh is a songwriter and he likes writing songs about what is going on in his life. As Josh is walking into the studio from his infamous Suburban aka the “Honeybadger” and a Drew Kennedy t-shirt…we are suddenly back at Gruene Hall and Roger is explaining to us about his fancy smancy old car that he may or may not have just parked illegally. Roger was given this 1956 Chevrolet Bel-Air hard top in 1987 when he was 16 and his Daddy had it all fixed up and presented it to him again for his birthday. Awwww…how sweet is that?
(Did y’all see Kyle Park on stage?)
It is time for some Mexican music and no Roger show is complete without Daddy Bill doing “Rancho Grande”…he is just too damned adorable. Daddy Bill was Creager before Creager was cool. I know this because I have a t-shirt that says that.
(Sidenote: A little thing you might not know about Daddy Bill is he is a Special Forces Green Beret guy. True story.)
Bill is just living the dream.
Are y’all still even reading this? I am sorry, but is like pulling teeth for me today. Maybe I DO miss Kirk Thurman and his cat because that was so easy to write about. I am lame, but I am going to wrap this one up right here. It isn’t because I don’t want to talk shit about Josh because trust me…I do, but because THIS is what happened to my screen.
Catch you on the next episode when we catch up with Liver Wade Bowen and Chaser Matt Caldwell.