Season Two: Troubadour, Tx, Episode One…

Like I always say when I finish a reality television recap…grab your red and blue Kindermats and gather around because like Jesus shared stories with the lepers, I am going to share with you the first episode of Season Two of Troubadour, Tx! I will also tell you to start freebasing any adderall you may have available too. You’ll see why. You can follow along by watching the episode below:

Before we start, lemme catch y’all up on some of the much-needed changes that have occurred over the hiatus. The first and most obvious change is length of the show. Each episode has been cut in half. Instead of a full hour of the music, the passion and the journey we only have a half an hour. I’m ok with that. Also, the cast has been broken down into two different categories, 1. The Troubs that are Chasing the Dream and 2. The Troubs that are Living the Dream. I dig it. But, if you asked me, not that you did…if I had to tell you the one change that I love the most, it is hands down the smaller cast! The cast of thousands has been whittled down to twelve…twelve people you have heard of before! Well, for the most part. Check it.

The Chasers:

It looks like Kylie Rae Harris and Zane Williams made the cut. We will get to the other newbies as we are introduced to them.

The Livers:

Oh HELLSS yeah!

I would watch Jack Ingram on my television even if he was running over baby kittens with a John Deer law tractor because he is so damn sexy, but all of my fantasies aside, the rest of this list is awesome. I think these are the type of reality tv characters that will come across passionate and genuine, except for maybe Cory, but hey…any reality show worth its salt needs that one bitter, angry person so many Cory can fill that role.

As far as the Questions Markers, I got nothing. I have no idea, BUT if I was a betting woman I might guess Bri Bagwell as one of them. I don’t have any information to back that up, but it would make sense financially. “Briager” could help the logistics and travel plans for filming.

Enough of the back story, let’s get this party started! On with the show…

Ahhhh yeah. Uncle Stacey is back, bitches! *waves* I wasn’t sure if Stacey Dean Campbell was going to be back this season because he has been cheatin’ on us with his other show, Texas Country Reporter….errr, I mean Bronco Roads…but it is really good to hear his voice again.  I missed him and it kinda gets me a little flustered when he says “hotbed”.

We start off with a little montage of our cast including Zane singing to a huge crowd who are obviously in the “right place”, Kylie Rae using those hair doin’ skills that Billy Holiday taught her during last year’s makeover and Cody Johnson of the Cody Johnson BAND leaving an outdoor stage wearing a Charlie Robison costume…just one that has been ironed.

Uncle Stacey tells us that some of our Troubs play to sold out crowds like Wade Bowen, Cody Johnson of the Cody Johnson BAND and Roger Creager and then we cut to clip of each of them. We get a gander at a Wootenless Wade Bowen singing his first Billboard chart’er about Saturday nights at the now closed Rio Brazos in Granbury, Texas. Unfortunately the Rio Bee wasn’t pulling in enough sell out crowds to “turn on the lights” every Saturday night. See what I did there?

We see a spry Cody Johnson of the Cody Johnson BAND doing a Cody Johnson classic…errr, I mean Waylon classic for an enthusiastic crowd at the Ranch Texas Music Series. Even though Rodney Crowell wrote “Ain’t Livin’ Long Like This”, and I only know that because I just googled it that is what I discovered, I always considered this a Emmy Lou Harris song because Momma Ballou used to play her album with the moon in the corner of the cover over and over and over when she was folding the laundry and chain-smoking her Winstons. Speaking of that cover, am I the only one that thinks Granger Smith’s Poets and Prisoners CD cover looks similar to Emmy Lou’s…just on Prozac? Granger’s is much less melancholy.

UGH…why did y’all let me do that? I HAVE to focus or this blog recap will be as boring as last year’s never-ending Troubadour coverage of the Little Brave Garage Sale.

Before we move on to some shots of the Dream Chasers, we get a little glimpse at Roger Creager, at what looks like Gruene Hall with his fiddle player Rick Wheretheredferngrows and his hair blowing in the rockstar wind of the stage fan. I doubt that the fan was placed there for that effect, but most likely to keep people from DYING! I LOVE that place because it is a part of my college experience and it holds a special place in my soul that can never be filled by another venue, but let’s be honest…they hardly have indoor plumbing much less air conditioning. I have seen Man Fan’s dropping like flies from heat stroke in there on more than one occasion. It is like a James Arthur Ray Arizona Sweat Lodge. (Too much? If you say no, Google that because it was way over the line.)

Next up is a bunch of skinny, very well styled Pantene shampoo supermodels that I have never heard of before. These broads go by the name of “Michaelis” and I know I shouldn’t hate them because they are beautiful…but it is already too late.

Why aren’t there any fat girls that have bad Ogilvie home perm and cankles on these reality shows? The Michaelangelo’s are singing about kissing cowboys and they sound great. Damn it. That is going to make it very hard to shit talk…err, I mean recap their story line. No worries, because in true Troubadour, Tx fashion they didn’t stick around very long and we have already moved on to this couple of homeless dudes. Oh wait…my bad. That is two of our Livers: Ray Wylie Hubbard and Gutherie Kennard.

We catch a little bit of a Kylie Rae Harris song and round it out with an acoustic song swap with Creager, Max Stalling and Kyle Park in the Sweat Lodge…before we finally get to TALK to someone. That someone is Zane Williams.

Zane tells the cameraman the highlight of his night was the fact that no one in Gruene Hall knew who he was but that didn’t matter because a Texas crowd will always appreciate a song about beer. Hell yeah we like beer! Just ask Kevin Fowler. Kevin has made an entire career singing the same beer song over and over, just doing it 9238498342 different ways.

(Side note: Kylie put on a bra! Those things might be perky now, but gravity ain’t your friend and she never will be.)

Before we cut to the first commercial break 7 minutes and 40 seconds in, Stacey Dean Campbell gives us a little preview of what subject we are going to cover next and that is going to be….leeches. JUST KIDDING, kinda. We will tackle the “team” that is necessary these days for the music, the passion and the journey to begin.

Holy shit my hands are already hurting. I am SO outta reality show recap shape. I should have been training. The radio gig has made me lazy and outta shape.

Commercial.

We are back and we are just recapping the same stuff we talked about in the first 7:40 seconds of Episode 1…except now we have a new face.

Attention world, I give you Matt Caldwell:

Matty is sitting on a boat singing a song about Mexico…when BAM…he’s gone. Bye Matt. (You might not think you know Matt, but I bet you might. I will play the “Six Degrees of the Scene” game with him if he ever comes back on-screen.)

We get another 6 notes of Kylie Rae singing a song on some empty stage and then we go immediately into another semi-familar face, Josh Grider and then those Michael’s Angels chicks and once again…Zane Williams.

Zane is back from the first season and someone finally put a poker up his ass and got him out of his creepy Nuclear Fallout Shelter in his backyard and put him to work. Zane is no longer focusing on low rent acoustic shows in a 6 mile radius of his tool shed, he has a new sound, a new band and a national tour schedule. You go boy!

Waitttt…just a second there Uncle Stacey. Are you trying to pull a fast one or are you just embellishing? Doesn’t NATIONAL mean in other states? I took a peek at Zee’s tour schedule on his website and welllll….

I’m not hatin’ on you Stace, I’m just saying. Besides I  have been known to embelish a little bit too sometimes. Did you know I was 26 and weighed 112 pounds?

(Off Subject: Did anyone catch Kris Farrow playing with Zane? Bad ass.)

Zane tells us that he just woke up for a nap….errr, I mean opened up for one of his idols, Alan Jackson and it was the highlight of his career to date. Ain’t nothing wrong with that!

Just when I was all locked in to hear the inside scoop of what the deli tray in Alan’s Greenroom backstage contained, we see Kylie Rae again. Did y’all know that KRH was returning from last season? Well I did because I came to that conclusion after seeing her on the screen 14 fucking times. At least we now know that KRH has been spending the last few months in Nashville co-writing and producing her new album and touring with Zane and on her own.

New face time!

It’s Cody Johsnon!  Yes, that Cody Johnson…Cody Johnson of the Cody Johnson BAND.

Cody has gone from rodeo to radio and if it’s country radio, he stands for it…and he just became the new face for Wrangler jeans? What??? How did I not know that?

The Cody Johnson of the Cody Johnson Band Collection by Wrangler has a nice ring to it.

Commercial

Ummm…I gotta say that segment was a little bit of a bait and switch. I thought we were going to learn about the “team” that is necessary these days for the music, the passion and the journey to begin! We didn’t.

When we return, Uncle Stacey recaps the entire fucking premise of the Troubadour, Tx television show and what went down last season including the same damn crap about Troubadour Susan Ashton that we saw that year.

I am sure that Ashton is a lovely and talented lady but damn it to hell…she ain’t on our list this season! Is she one of the Question Markers? Maybe she is or maybe the TTx peeps are trying to tie up her loose story line, but can I be honest? If we wanted to watch the “People That Didn’t Make The Season Two Cast: Where Are They Now” Special we could wait for it to come on VH1!

Were you all sitting on the edge of your seats wondering what Susan Ashton has been doing since she left the barn and our weekend television schedules? Well, she’s been working on new music. Imagine that!

She has a great haircut that I am kinda coveting right now and a new EP coming out soon.

Did you think to yourself today, self…I wonder what Green River Ordinance is doing since Troubadour, Tx spent time with them on the road?

Me neither.

Now lookie, lookie here Uncle Stacey. I don’t mean to be a bitch but you can’t dangle the promise of Jack Ingram and Roger Creager in front of my face and then give me shit I don’t care about. No offensive to the GRO dudes, but I’d rather watch Cory Morrow at home changing Baby Bear’s diapers. I don’t even mean that sarcastically, I just would. You PROMISED me some Wade Bowen and Ray Wylie Hubbard damn it, so make it happen!

I am going on boycott the rest of this episode’s recap because now Uncle Stacey is giving us a history lesson about Merle Haggard being in the hoosegow when Johnny Cash sang there and it changed his life forever. Yeah, yeah…we know.

Yap, yap, yap, dream chaser, yap, yap, yap.

I am emotionally exhausted from being so blueballed this entire episode that I don’t think I can even give dream chaser Matt Caldwell the proper attention he deserves when he pops back up on my TV. Matt tells us that he had more talent than anyone in his hometown and he stood out, but now he doesn’t know where he ranks. Nashville has been like college for Matt and he is a 10th-year Senior. He does have a publishing deal now and he drinks beer with dudes he has always envied. (He also drinks beer with crotchety bloggers, but that is a story for another time.) I promised earlier to link Matt with “Six Degrees of the Scene” like I said I would but until they gimme what they promised, I am holding that information hostage. I want to see some footage of Walt sitting barefoot under a tree and writing songs about it and damn it I want to see it now!

Time for the Massengill Triplets again and we finally learn their names and that they are sisters.  We have Megan, Mallory and Madelyn. (I am sure those names are spelled incorrectly, but a shit I don’t really give.)

Mabel, Marge and Macy left their TOUR BUS in Sugarland, Texas to begin knocking on doors in Nashville. They were looking for a producer, a manager and co-writers and discovered a whole new three-part harmony that is getting the attention of music experts in the Music City. Sorry, let me back up just a second. Maggie, Mandy and Madison don’t have a producer, a manager or co-writers but they have a fucking TOUR BUS?

Sometimes even I can’t make this stuff up. I am in love. They are going to be fun!

Right as I am ready to dedicate an entire season to coming up with more random M names, Josh Grider shows up again. Josh says that he COULD get another job but he wants to Outwit, Outlast and Outplay the rest of the Pokanewkoaauaua tribe on the Island to win the Immunity Challenge.

Did I just get my reality shows genres confused? It doesn’t matter because we have come to the conclusion of Episode One.

If you don’t watch any of this episode, promise me you will watch Josh in the last 18 minutes and 50 seconds because he gets the name of the show wrong.

Basically…Josh just charmed the pants off of and won the hearts of all the women in the Troubadour, Tx viewing audience in that last 20 seconds.

The End.

I’m exhausted and my head is spinning. I told you to break out your ADD meds and you people thought I was kidding didn’t you? Either way, Episode One is over and it is time to move forward. I have been told by people who have seen Episode Two, people meaning my husband, that I shouldn’t give up hope because I am going to love every second of it. I heard their was something about Roger Creager in a motel room? I don’t have any complaints about that because there is just something that is always eventful and entertaining about Roger and motel rooms, just ask the San Marcos Police Department.

Gigglesnort.

Episode Two Recap…coming up next!

~Rb