Rita’s 2015 Academy Of Country Music Award Predictions: Not That Anyone Asked Her

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I have a few hours to kill today at work so I thought I’d be the 39432908390438th blog to post the Academy of Country Music Award nominations that were made officially official today. I say officially official because I despise the way they DRAG THIS CRAP out now on Social Media. I KNOW why they do it that way…I get it, but I don’t have to like it.

Sidenote: I didn’t proofread this one, so don’t bother pointing out all my typos. It really doesn’t matter.

Entertainer of the Year:

Jason Aldean
Garth Brooks
Luke Bryan
Miranda Lambert
Florida Georgia Line

Garth is back, bitch!  Ehhh…he won’t win. I don’t see why people are surprised that Florida Georgia Line was nominated in this category because like it or not, they ARE huge. Taylor Swift is officially out of the country award business so that isn’t exactly a snub, but no Blake Shelton is a little surprising. For the sake of vagina power, it would be nice to see Miranda win…but she won’t. I am going to put my money on Luke Bryan to twerk it on home with this year’s EOTY award.

Male Vocalist:

Jason Aldean
Dierks Bentley
Luke Bryan
Eric Church
Brad Paisley
Blake Shelton

Instead of FIVE nominees like in every other category, we have SIX. If my math is correct that means twelve actual testicles are in the running…but none of them belong to Tim McGraw or Kenny Chesney.  I’d love nothing more than to see Dierks Bentley finally win one of those big categories, but he won’t. Since Luke and Blake are hosting and Luke is going to win ETOY…I’m going to say Blake wins this category unless Jason Aldean’s daddy has any pull with all of his whining.

Female Vocalist:

Brandy Clark
Miranda Lambert
Martina McBride
Kacey Musgraves
Carrie Underwood

SQUEAL!  <– that is the sound of excitement I made when I saw that Brandy Clark got nominated in this category, but unfortunately she’s not going to win. Sadly, there just aren’t enough “big” female artists on the radio these days to choose from to even fill out this entire category and that is why Martina got nominated…but truth be told, I’d rather see her in the spot than a Sheryl Crow or someone like Kelly Clarkson.

I don’t see this year’s winner being Carrie Underwood…no particular reason, I just don’t. I could be wrong but I think this category is going to be a Resting Bitch Face vs. Resting Bitchier Face race between Ran and Kacey.

Let’s be honest here, the real winner is going to be the girl who has an “accidental” nip slip or loses her stick on panties backstage like Kacey did at the CMA Awards because that is who is going to get all the media coverage no matter who takes home the actual award. Don’t let us all forget that these are FEMALES so it isn’t actually about their music, it is really about who is in a ‘Mean Girl’ feud with who and their wardrobe malfunctions.

Vocal Duo:

Brothers Osborne
Dan + Shay
Florida Georgia Line
Maddie & Tae
The Swon Brothers

Bitch, please. Why is this even still a category? What is the point? Why can’t they do this one before the televised show like they do the “Grammy Award for Best Spoken Word Album” and just save us all the time? FGL and filler. Blah, blah.

Vocal Group:

Lady Antebellum
Little Big Town
Rascal Flatts
The Band Perry
Zac Brown Band

Rascal Flatts is still a thing? I like the Band Perry over Lady A this year. I am happy that the Zac Brown Band got a nomination because I’d love to see all the media on the red carpet scrambling to figure out who they are since Zac got rid of the beanie and they got that fancy pants John Varvatos makeover. I am going to predict that Little Big Town wins…and I have no theory behind that prediction.

Album:

Old Boots, New Dirt, Jason Aldean
Pain Killer, Little Big Town
Platinum, Miranda Lambert
Riser, Dierks Bentley
The Outsiders, Eric Church

Miranda vs Eric…but again, I’d love to see Dierks win.

Single:

“American Kids,” Kenny Chesney
“Automatic,” Miranda Lambert
“Dirt,” Florida Georgia Line
“Drunk On A Plane,” Dierks Bentley
“I Don’t Dance,” Lee Brice.

Is this the one that goes to the songwriter and the producer or is that Song of the Year? Hell, I can’t keep up. I know “I Don’t Dance” got played at every single wedding I went to this year so I will just call it the winner. Why not?

Song:

“American Kids,” Kenny Chesney
“Automatic,” Miranda Lambert
“Drink A Beer,” Luke Bryan
“Follow Your Arrow,” Kacey Musgraves
“Give Me Back My Hometown,” Eric Church
“I Hold On,” Dierks Bentley.

Are the ACMs as gay friendly as the CMA awards were this year? If so, I’ll say “Follow Your Arrow” will will but after all of Luke Bryan’s unfortunate family tragedies this year I personally think “Drink A Beer” will win. I know it is Luke Bryan, but as win for Chris Stapleton is a win for us all.

Video:

“American Kids,” Kenny Chesney
“Cop Car,” Keith Urban
“Drunk On A Plane,” Dierks Bentley
“I’m Not Gonna Miss You,” Glen Campbell
“Somethin’ Bad,” Miranda Lambert w/Carrie Underwood

Did you read my thoughts on the Vocal Group category. That feel the same about this category too. I think Glen Campbell will get a courtesy win because it will make a good news story.

Vocal Event:

“Lonely Tonight,” Blake Shelton f/Ashley Monroe
“Meanwhile Back At Mamas,” Tim McGraw f/Faith Hill
“Somethin’ Bad,” Miranda Lambert w/Carrie Underwood
“The South,” The Cadillac Three f/Florida Georgia Line, Dierks Bentley, Mike Eli;
“This Is How We Roll,” Florida Georgia Line f/Luke Bryan.

I got nothing.  That “Somethin’ Bad” song sounded like two cats in heat screeching in a back alley, but at least that “Hometown Throwdown” crap didn’t get nominated.

New Artist of the Year:

These are the semi-finalists and yes, they are all dudes. This category is “fan voted” which means that all the super-fan teeny-boppers and horny bored cougar housewives will pick the winner.

Brett Eldredge
Tyler Farr
Sam Hunt
Kip Moore
Thomas Rhett
Chase Rice
Cole Swindell
Dan + Shay

I’d love to see Brett Eldredge win this award, but I am not sure he has enough “power” to compete with Chase Rice’s nipples and this “Butt Ass Naked In A Field” video campaign.

The 50th Annual ACM Awards will be hosted for the the third time by Bluke and will air live from Jerry World on April 19th on CBS.

~Rb

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