I have been trying to write my Diesel Sniffer blog for about a week. Every time I typed something up, it made me sound like a bitter old jealous hag. Wait…that’s what I am, but the blogs just sounded so bitchy and that really isn’t the intent. I would like to think of it as an educational blog entry, like Beware of the Man Fan. The pressure to top that one is pretty intense and I am not sure I can do it so I am taking a whole new approach on the subject of Diesel Sniffers.
In the words of my homegirl Miranda Lambert, I don’t have to be hateful, I can just say bless your heart. Sidenote…I love me some Miranda, but I am just a tad bit afraid she might be one bag of Peanut M&M’s away from being Trisha Yearwood. She might need to lay off the carbs a little bit. Just sayin.
Groupies, Groupies, Groupies. They have been around since the dawn of time and are just a way of life for musicians, even shitty ugly ones. Hell, to get random cooch is probably why these guys even picked up a guitar in the first place. I googled and it looks like Wikipedia defines a groupie as:
Yup, that pretty much sums it up!
They aren’t there to listen to the music, they aren’t there to support the band, and they aren’t there to have a good time out with their friends. They are there to fuck someone in the band. Period.
Groupie schmoppies! We have always called these chicks Diesel Sniffers because at the end of a concert instead of getting their picture made with the band, buying a teeshirt, and going the hell home, they are always out by the bus sniffing around. (The unleaded sniffer is a country cousin to the diesel sniffer. They are the girls that are stalking the econline vans…but for the most part, they are the same.)
Instead of judging these little slutty ass cum dumpsters so harshly, I think I should do my best to use this blog to help them. (Was saying little slutty ass cum dumpster too judgemental?) Everyone has to have a goal and I think it should be my duty to assist them in reaching their goals. I am going to try and use my newly found powers for good and not evil. See, and you people thought that I was mean and rude! Rita is only here to help!
I am a firm believer in the theory that if you are going to do something, do it right! I am going to break this down for you tramps…errr, I mean ladies and do it in sections so you don’t miss out on anything. Lookie here you silly girls, never forget your goal! It is your goal to screw someone no matter how many times you tell yourself you are there for the music, don’t bother with lying to yourself. Own it.
Chapter One—Proper DS Presentation
Appearance is important.
Look ladies, let’s be honest. If you are gonna get some action you are going to have to look your best. It is very important to dress to impress, and not only to just look cute, but to make sure that you stand out from the crowd. Nothing works better than showing some skin, lots and lots of skin. Oh, and don’t worry about it if someone could play Chinese checkers on the hail damage on the back of your legs, that doesn’t really matter to the guys anyway! Just squeeze that ass into your shortest tightest denim skirt or your favorite white see through Rue 21 sundress. That’s the reason why they keep the bar dark. And it really doesn’t matter if it is 37 degrees in January, I promise. The only downfall to this is later in the night your knees might get a little buscarpet burn, but sometimes you just have to take one for the DS team. Don’t forget, that guy on stage REALLY likes and totally respects you!
Do not forget your accessories!
Think bling, lots of bling! This is sure to get the band’s attention because the reflection off of your fake Kippy/BB Simon belt will cause sudden blindness when the light hits it and that should cause the guitar player to suddenly look down at you. Once you have eye contact, everything is pretty much downhill from there. Do not forget your bracelets, lots of hard plastic blingy bracelets….no less than 6 on each arm, at a minimum. Also, big gigantic crosses necklaces full of plastic rhinestones that are bigger than the cross on the wall of the Vatican are good too. Haven’t you heard the Wade Bowen song Trouble? He wrote that about YOU! You have to have a cross on a chain swinging above your heart, and it should be as big as the real cross Jesus was nailed to, only cuter and shinier. There is no such thing as over bling blinging…except with an engagement or wedding ring. Leave that shit at home. Don’t forget, that guy on stage REALLY likes and totally respects you!
Bigger the hair, the closer to the band Gods.
Big hair is a must! Bump It Up Bitches! If you don’t know how to backcomb, spray and pin up your bangs with 17 bobby pins than you HAVE to invest in a Bump It. This serves a dual purpose. This hairstyle isn’t necessarily attractive but more of strategic move. This monster hair poof is key in making sure that the band cannot see any other attractive girls behind you that might be competition for your red plastic solo cup full of booze you could receive as a parting gift later on the bus. And if the ugly bitches behind you can’t see over your head, the band can’t see them! It is a win/win.
If you have the funds and really want to bring your A-game, scadaddle on down to the Sally’s Hair Supply and invest in some hair extensions. There is no way you are going to look like a cockerspaniel. It doesn’t really matter if it looks so ridiculously fake and you can tell totally that you had some polyester hair sewed in, seriously it doesn’t. No one will be able to tell. The only downfall here is spooge is a bitch to get out of weave. You might have to use a Palmolive Pine Sol mixture and maybe shampoo that shit three times, but if a ratted possum’s nest underneath your real hair makes you feel confident enough to go knock on a bus door, I say do it girlfriend! Don’t forget, that guy on stage REALLY likes and totally respects you!
Titties, you must show off those titties!
You not only have to strap on your sluttiest, most revealing outfit and let all your tattoos and pierced body parts show, but you MUST have your tits hanging out. Get a Wonderbra, push them up, squish them together anything you can do to them, do it! Above all else, THEY have to be showing. Consider those titties your very own laminated backstage pass. It really doesn’t matter if your 2 inch thick back fat roll is showing under your Deb $8 polyblend spandex halter top because if those puppies are pushed up and out, the guys will never get around to looking at your back anyway.
Tits are your Golden Ticket. Without those boobs on display you are going to end up being “that girl” that is trolling the dance floor at 1:45 am looking for the drunkest Man Fan left at the bar to take you to Whataburger and buy you a taquito. Who wants to be in line at Whataburger with a Man Fan when you totally deserve to be smoking out in the back of the bus lounge with the rockstars? Don’t forget, that guy on stage REALLY likes and totally respects you!
Once we have master these little things, tomorrow we will move on to Chapter Two–Panty Row Behavior.
Hope everyone has a super Monday…and I leave you with a little gift I received from the boys of Phi Delta Theta that made me smile all weekend.
My Puddin’ Pop Josh Abbott and Eric Theodore Cartman.
We had an interesting visitor come by Ritaville and because of his visit I will award him the “Comment of the Day”…
Smelly Braun Boy said…
I gotta admit you get some pretty funny banter on here.
Are you a little rude? sure but if you were always nice this wouldn’t be nearly as amusing.
Giggle, blush, giggle…I am so excited, I wonder which one it was?!?!? So super duper excited that he gets me!
Have a great day!