To my Dearest Sunny Sweeney,
I decided to write you this open letter professing my complete and utter non-practicing lesbianic crush on you. I know I’ve mentioned it time and time before, but I wanted to lay it all out and hope you’ll somehow youÂ Fall For Me.
I guess I could just write you a standard “I am your biggest fan” letter, but as you have yourself even tweeted to me a few times…we might possibly be kindred spirits. Â I too have decent legs, big boobs, and have been told that I am kinda funny…the only difference is I don’t sing country songs, I just write about them.
It Wrecks Me to love you From A Table Away in this non-creepy stalker wayÂ for this long, but alas it’s all I’ve had to date. This Saturday at the Heart O’ Texas Fair in Waco I was hoping you could change everything for this Worn Out Heart. Â I am hoping that you will be so touched by my constant profession of love that you will breakdown and beg me to attend your Meet and Greet Saturday night before your show.
After I started this blog I went through a period of time when I didn’t want anyone to know who I was, much less have my photograph taken because honestly…I had gotten fat as a pig. Â One day some mean dude on the internet wrote on his website that “Rita Ballou was full of Little Debbie Snack cakes and spite” because he didn’t like what I had to say on my own website. Since that day, I gave up junk food and decided to protein shake Drink Myself (into a) Single (digit) and said goodbye to The Old Me. Â Every single day I got onto the treadmill and sweated my ass off, literally…while I listened to the secret advanced copy of the “Concrete” songs that I bootlegged off of the internet a long, long time ago. I am pretty mean, but when I listened to your music I wished I could be as Mean As You.Â I can honestly say that it was your angry “fuck you asshole” songs that helped me shed 36 pounds. Â Now that it doesn’t take a wide-angle camera lens to capture my image, I would love, love,Â love to have my picture taken with you.
I am pretty sure that if we were to meet in real life we could become best friends forever. My witty charms would win you over even though we all know you have a Helluva Heart…but I think you might love me. The last thing you will be thinking is that Staying is Worse Than LeavingÂ and you might actually want to hang out with me all night! We can drink some of that yummy Patron you keep on stage too. CoughwaterCough
The only thing we need to do to make this a reality is for you to tell the nice people who are in charge of those little magic stickers to put my name on the list. See how easy that is?Â Pretty please. You know you wanna.
We will have the greatest time ever…and I will bring you a Rita Ballou sticker and one of my brand new Koozies!
Think it over…have your people call my people!
Loves, hugs, and non-lesbianic kisses from your biggest stalker,
P.S. Amy was a bitch anyway.