To my Dearest Sunny Sweeney,
I decided to write you this open letter professing my complete and utter non-practicing lesbianic crush on you. I know I’ve mentioned it time and time before, but I wanted to lay it all out and hope you’ll somehow you Fall For Me.
I guess I could just write you a standard “I am your biggest fan” letter, but as you have yourself even tweeted to me a few times…we might possibly be kindred spirits. Â I too have decent legs, big boobs, and have been told that I am kinda funny…the only difference is I don’t sing country songs, I just write about them.
It Wrecks Me to love you From A Table Away in this non-creepy stalker way for this long, but alas it’s all I’ve had to date. This Saturday at the Heart O’ Texas Fair in Waco I was hoping you could change everything for this Worn Out Heart.  I am hoping that you will be so touched by my constant profession of love that you will breakdown and beg me to attend your Meet and Greet Saturday night before your show.
After I started this blog I went through a period of time when I didn’t want anyone to know who I was, much less have my photograph taken because honestly…I had gotten fat as a pig.  One day some mean dude on the internet wrote on his website that “Rita Ballou was full of Little Debbie Snack cakes and spite” because he didn’t like what I had to say on my own website. Since that day, I gave up junk food and decided to protein shake Drink Myself (into a) Single (digit) and said goodbye to The Old Me.  Every single day I got onto the treadmill and sweated my ass off, literally…while I listened to the secret advanced copy of the “Concrete” songs that I bootlegged off of the internet a long, long time ago. I am pretty mean, but when I listened to your music I wished I could be as Mean As You. I can honestly say that it was your angry “fuck you asshole” songs that helped me shed 36 pounds.  Now that it doesn’t take a wide-angle camera lens to capture my image, I would love, love, love to have my picture taken with you.
I am pretty sure that if we were to meet in real life we could become best friends forever. My witty charms would win you over even though we all know you have a Helluva Heart…but I think you might love me. The last thing you will be thinking is that Staying is Worse Than Leaving and you might actually want to hang out with me all night! We can drink some of that yummy Patron you keep on stage too. CoughwaterCough
The only thing we need to do to make this a reality is for you to tell the nice people who are in charge of those little magic stickers to put my name on the list. See how easy that is? Pretty please. You know you wanna.
We will have the greatest time ever…and I will bring you a Rita Ballou sticker and one of my brand new Koozies!
Think it over…have your people call my people!
Loves, hugs, and non-lesbianic kisses from your biggest stalker,
Rita Ballou
P.S. Amy was a bitch anyway.
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You took the words out of my mouth Rita!! I love her too!!! She onced tweeted me, saying that “we may be the same person” ….I die!!!!
I am not a bitch anymore! I swear! Ok I am, but a totally fun and full of shenanigans bitch!
That damn Amy gets around..must give one helluva BJ. (LOVE you Sunny!)
As a matter of fact…..
I am laughing hysterically. Hell yes you r on my meet greet line…I’m sending a message to my tour manager now. Check in w me via fb or twit on sat morning and I’ll have directions for ya. Can’t wait to meet my stalker, lol. I kid.
Ss
Yay!! Have fun Rita!
Haha, love this Rita! And I love that album. All great songs, that you introduced me too! Hope you get to meet her at the show!
Congrats Rita! Tell her I said Hi. We’re best friends for 15 seconds from the San Jose meet and greet. She is a sweetheart. You mind your manners around her.
Rita has manners?
heck yes! I told you it was good! Have FUN!!! Wish I could be there with ya!
This blog letter probably has stirred the inner erotica of several college boys. Now if I see you two in a Jeep or Sunny is booked at Sur Ellen’s….
Way to go chicky poo! Wish I could be there to get into trouble with ya! ;) Have a blast and make no apologies sista!
HELL YEA RITA………………..
Back in 2005, while married to the ex-wife, Pauline Reese told me about an up-and-comer that was looking for a drummer and put me in contact with this person. My ex & I drove down to Austin and met up with her at Waterloo so she could give me a CD with some of her stuff and covers I needed to learn for the audition. For reasons unknown to me, that audition never happened. Every time I here From A Table Away, Staying’s Worse Than Leaving, or Drink Myself Single on the radio, I kick myself in the ass for not calling or emailing constantly to get that audition. If I had, who knows, I could be sharing a stage with her every night. Sunny, if you’re reading this, if you ever need a drummer, I’d love to finally have that audition. Facebook message me if & when that time ever comes. You are a breath of fresh air on the radio… Congrats on your success!!! :-)
She had a great drummer named Bruce Alford before she got famous. As a matter of fact, she had a whole band of guys that had worked their asses off, toured with her and become her “friends”–those guys are all bouncing from gig to gig now.
I wonder if she knew they were gonna get axed and let it happen or if it was a surprise to her too.
Either way, it shouldn’t have happened. You got lucky Cody.
That unfortunatley is what happens when the majority of “small acts” get signed to a major label. Its really sad and I dont agree with it but hey thats the music business.
Is that a “Sunny secret code” way to flip people off? — In the picture? If so I’m in…
That’s what I get for text-typing while driving (shame on me) and not proof reading before sending. I used the wrong form of the word “here”… I meant “hear”… Good Lord, I apologize for that. Improper word use is a major pet peeve of mine… LOL
sunny is funny