I wrote this letter to Gary on Friday, but I never got around to posting it. It is an extremely slow news day, so I thought I’d share it.
Last week was a drama filled fiesta in the “mainstream” music world. I won’t recap it because at this point it all just needs to die, but if you want to know who said who about who sucking and who thinks so and so’s music makes them want to throw up, Nashville Gab.com has a pretty good review HERE.
I thought we all were.
Gary Allan got drawn into the mix for an interview he did with Larry King…and it was all total bullshit. Some bored ass Carrie Underwood fanatic bloggers just took a tiny snippet of the interview that hadn’t even aired yet and started shit talking him for shit talking. Oh the irony…she types sarcastically. Trust me…I am not innocent in the grand scheme of shit talking on the internet, but I at least do my best to report the entire story first.
Anywhoo…Gary Allan went on his Facebook page and posted an entire apology and we all lived to blog/song/shit talk another day.
Honestly, Gary’s “blasting” and “bashing” was barely a blip on the drama radar after the entire Zac Brown/Luke Bryan thing and all the “bros” from the Shitty Songberhood jumped in. (Seriously? Who pulled on Jason Aldean and Justin Moore tampon strings? They just wanted some blog coverage too…talk about a way to keep a story going and then bitch about scandalous stories. Douches. At least Luke Bryan is puppet enough to listen to his people when they told him not to engage in a Twitter war.)
Well, I guess Gary’s statement about how his words were taken out of context just weren’t enough because he has apparently issued an “apology letter” to radio stations around the country…which doesn’t exactly contain an apology, just MORE clarification.
As part of the Country Radio community…I CAN’T BELIEVE I CAN SAY THAT NOW, BUT I CAN…I just wanted to drop a line in return to Gary’s sweet note.
I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell you how much I love you and your music. I have been a Gary Allan fan from the get-go and I am a card-carrying member of your Official Fan Club. I have been to your CMAFest Fan Club parties and once I even squealed with delight when you called on me personally during the Question and Answer segment. (I asked you if you ever “googled yourself”…you said no. I am sure you remember me, right?) I have stood outside for hours in the rain and elbowed bitches much bigger than me to run to the front of the stage so I could be close enough for us to ocularly fornicate on multiple occasions. (I am not even going to mention all the dirty, naughty things I would do to you in this letter….that is an entirely different letter than this one). This letter is in response to the letter than you sent to us, the radio community.
Here is my question.
Gary, when did you turn into a giant pussy?
YOU HAVE NO REASON TO APOLOGIZE.
Dude, you didn’t say a damned thing wrong in your interview with Larry King! Period. End of story. No further explanation is needed. Momma Ballou always told me “you are only responsible for what you say, not for what other people understand. If assholes are just too stupid to grasp what you are saying, that is their problem!” (I’m paraphrasing, of course.)
Now listen up closely Gary…
You are Gary Fucking Allan.
When did you forget that?
You have been around for more than twenty years! When have you EVER had to conform to all of the stupid ass fads that have come and gone on country radio in that amount of time? When have you EVER had to play the game? People love and respect you because you have EARNED that love and respect.
You didn’t say it…but what if you DID say Country Radio today sucked a big giant hick-hop filled donkey ball sack and was being ruined by Pop-Tarts? What could be the WORST thing that could happen? Would radio not play your music? I realize that would suck and be the worst case scenario, but would your fans stop buying your shit and stop going to your concerts? Hell no we wouldn’t.
Would the “industry” stop nominating you for their Cool Kid Club awards? Oh wait…they don’t nominate you NOW.
Would you not be asked to play a bitch boy opening spot on the next huge Florida Georgia Line tour? Boo-fucking who. Do you really think Florida Georgia Line and the rest of those country-rap fucktards will still be around in twenty years like you are? HELL NO. Like you said, Country Radio and some of these shitty new acts ARE bringing “new listeners” to country music genre, but they sure ain’t doing it by performing country music.
(I personally think Country Music was doing just fine without all these “new” fans if all they want to listen to are those horribly vapid truck chew tobacca-chew tobacca rap songs about drinking moonshine and partying? Besides, why does Country Music have to change (and don’t throw in that ‘evolve’ bullshit) for the “new” fans and not vice versa? If what Country Music has to offer isn’t good enough for them, fuck them…who needs them anyway? CoughmoneygrabCough. Sorry…again, that is an entirely different letter.)
Gary, just look at what you have done in your twenty year career…you have done what you have done by NOT having to put on a pair of sparkly jeggings and dance around like a clown or by dragging up some 3rd rate one hit wonder rapper to “remix” any thing you have ever written, recorded or performed. (I realize you took off your cowboy hat and got a few tattoos blah blah blah, but that isn’t my point.)
Enough is enough with the apologies and handwritten notes and Facebook explanations.
You are Gary Fucking Allan and don’t you forget it.
P.S. Love you, mean it.
P.S.S. Call me!