You know how Perez Hilton swears up and down that he discovered Lady GaGa?Well, he does…so therefore I am officially declaring that I have found my own GaGa. Chuckie GaGa. Charlie Worsham.
And I mean it people…so don’t all be trying to steal him because he is mine and I will Cougar scratch your damn eyes out if need be. (You all took away Harry McPotter and he used to like me and talk to me on MySpace once upon a time before I started spreading the hate, but you ain’t taking my Chuckie!)
Last week I posted THIS blog about Charlie and before I knew it we started to engage in some serious cyber foreplay via Twitter.Â I knew that I needed to play hard to get to really get his attention, but I did work out a deal where he would allow me to adopt and employee him as my houseboy/banjo teacher/massage therapist in exchange for blogs…as long as I didn’t make him wear any strange outfits (Ok, so I just threw in that massage part today, but don’t tell him!)
Hmm…the kid drives a hard bargain.
Well, I read that he was indeed in Austin for SXSW, so I ignored him for a few hours…all part of my master plan…and it worked because before I knew it he had invited me to lunch! Free food and a cute boy with a banjo? Yes please.
We met at a little Mexican food place down on west Congress and the first thing I noticed when I met Charlie was…that we have the same haircut. Other than that, he is just about as cute as the Gerber baby pulling a little red wagon full of kittens dressed in pink tutus. Yes, THAT cute!
And not to mention that most ladies I know would give their first born children to have cheekbones like his.
He has a slight southern Mississippi accent that will melt your heart and he got major old lady brownie points with me because he stood up when I came into the room. More proof that Charlie’s momma raised him right is the fact that he looks right into your eyes when he talks to you…and calls you by your name when he asks you a question.
As far as Dopplers go…he is the scary spitting image of Zac Efron.
So…since he now belongs to me I thought that it was really important that I help him with this whole Opening for Taylor Swift thing. Yes, my little Chuckie GaGa is going on tour this fall with what’s her face for like EIGHT shows and I think that is kind of a huge deal. While I agree that getting added to the Taylor Swift tour is great publicity, know what would be better? Getting kicked OFF the Taylor Swift tour! I think we can make this happen.
How awesome would it be if Charlie came out on stage riding a giant white horse? Or what if he opened the show in a big giant pink ball gown skirt and ripped it off mid song? Really, it is all just about stealing Taylor’s thunder. I think the best idea would be for him to do an entire medley of songs linked somehow to all her ex boyfriends…all while he is spinning around and around under a waterfall and making that fucking annoying ass surprise I just won 248923849238293 awards tonight face.
Charlie could bluegrass up some shitty Jonas Brothers song, sing Hungry like the Wolf for Taylor Lautner, do the theme song from Brokeback Mountain for Jake Gyllenhaal, and round it all out Your Body is a Wonderland from John Mayer. I hate to use the term EPIC ut that would be damn near epic.
During lunch I laid out my plan to Charlie about how he should be MEAN as hell to Taylor to make her fall madly in love with him. Now…I do realize that this is a gamble of sorts because if it works and he DOES break her heart and she writes mean songs about him…which let’ be honest, that is the goal here…he stands the chance of pissing off all those crazy Taylor fans or even better, getting death threats from them! HELLO…that idea is genius!
I can just picture my beautiful little Charlie wearing his sparkly Marty Stuart blazer with the starched preacher collar looking right into the camera, holding his banjo and crying to CMT’s Cody Alan about how scared for his life he was and how the whole experience has left him so emotionally distraught that he can no longer even play his banjo without suffering from Post Taylor Stress Syndrome flashbacks.
I am pretty sure we could parlay this into an Oprah appearance if he plays his cards correctly…or at least onto that British dude that took over for Larry King’s show.
The world is going to fall madly in love with this kid and suddenly turn against Taylor and THAT my friends could quite possibly start what we have all been waiting so patiently for…THE TAYLOR SWIFT MELTDOWN!
Charlie…leave this shit to me!
It will only be a matter of time before Taylor is running around Hollywood flashing her hot pocket to the paparazzi when a You Tube video of her surfaces doing coke in some seedy hotel off of the lap of the Slap Chop infomercial guy’s ass. She is so going to be so distraught over Charlie breaking her heart that she is going to be forced to take a dip in the lady pond with Lindsay Lohan’s lesbian DJ girlfriend. Taylor’s breakdown is going to be so public that she is going to have to buy Neverland Ranch just to hide out from the media and before you know it…she will be Charlie Sheen’s #1 Goddess!
Wait, where was I?
Sorry, I tend to get side tracked.
Oh…Charlie. He’s awesome.
Panty Pudding Exhibit A below:
Honestly, there was something so refreshing about seeing someone so talented play so many instruments. You can tell this kid was born to entertain and above all…MAKE MUSIC. He is the real deal and didn’t just pick up a guitar one day in college because he couldn’t get laid without it.
Be sure to like him on Facebook HERE too…