If it wasn’t for Gherms….

gherm_tshirt-p235069821921217659t5tr_400

Ok, I got an email from someone telling me I was being too nice and that I needed to rip so and so a new asshole. I don’t want anyone to think that I will be hateful just for the sake of being a bitch…it has to be warranted. And the subject of this blog is one that is near and dear to my heart, so maybe I will be a bitch. I don’t need to call out any specific names because you people KNOW who you are, but I just might do it anyway. Hey, like Stoney and BJ say…and maybe Kristen Kelly, I think her writing credit is still questionable depending who you ask…if I am going down, I am going down in flames.

I have had VERY limited “backstage” experience. Most of my experience comes from waiting in line, buying a ticket, paying all the asshole stupid friggin service and conveience fees, forking over $3.25 for a beer, and standing my fat ass up at the stage for two hours before the opening band even starts. And I am not the only one. Want to know why people do this? IT IS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOUR MUSIC.

The first time I ever heard the word GHERM I was “backstage” at a show. Oh trust me. I thought I was hot shit on a shingle. While I was soaking up the coolness I overheard a band member say to another one: “Shit man, that dude out there was gherming all over me last time we played here.” I had to research that immediately because damn it, I wanted to know all the cool kid lingo.

Here is the Urban Dictionary definitions of Gherm:

Someone who slavishly follows and sucks up to a celebrity. A fan to an excessive degree. A person not affiliated with the music industry but who has connections that can get them backstage concert access.

Oh Em Gee…they were basically talking about me. Ouch.

Well, here is my take on it and I know some people “in the industry” will disagree. All those gherms out there are the reason you can do what it is you love to do for a living. Can we be annoying? I am sure. Do you OWE us anything? Not a damn thing. You didn’t force us to come see your show and you sure as shit don’t force us to buy all the crap you sell us, we do it because we WANT to. We LIKE you. Is that so bad?

Waaaaa, I’m so fucking famous and talented that people like me and want to talk to me, Waaaaa….Want me to call you a Waaaaaambulance? Cause I will.

I think some of the “A-Listers” should be more concerned about a time when people do NOT want their autographs than when they do. It ain’t like you are Bradgelina mother fuckers, so get your ass out here and sign some shit Cody. You know, some of the shit WE bought that YOU make money from and if you didn’t want to have to “deal” with annoying, uncool people you should have gone to truck driving school than instead of being in the entertainment industry. And don’t do us any favors or do it because you feel obligated Randy…do it because you know how much it means to us. And be happy to do it, and if you aren’t…fake it! Besides, how BAD can it be to have your ass sucked Roger?

I may be wrong but I am pretty sure you sell an ass ton more merchandise when you come out to the table than when you don’t. Don’t your employees make a percentage of those sales too and if so then throw that dude a bone. Oh, I am not feeling bad for those guys or anything because everyone knows the merch guy gets the most pussy shrapnel of anyone, but he has to eat too or at least buy weed and adderall.

I have heard that some artists do not come out and sign because by not doing it they feel it adds to their mystery. What the fuck is this, Murder She Wrote? That is just bullshit. It’s because they are either lazy, don’t want to be bothered or they have gotten too big for the free britches they are wearing. You know, those britches they got by having a sponsor and that sponsor they got by having devoted fans….wait, I mean Gherms.

Those same Gherms that worked all day at their crappy jobs, fought the traffic, stood out in the 107 degree heat at places like Hill’s Café so maybe they can forget about their shitty UNROCKSTAR lives for 90 minutes in the middle of the week and get lost in the sheer power of the words and music you create. Because we do…

We don’t want to come to your house for Thanksgiving and carve your family turkey, 98.9% of the time we just want the opportunity to say thank you and tell you how much we appreciate your music, snap a picture, and have a little something like an autographed Koozie to be able to look down at and remember the feeling of being able to escape from reality, if only for a few songs.

I am not saying that some fans aren’t obnoxious jackasses and aren’t just hanging out to glom onto artists to be on the scene and think they are cool. I am also not saying some artists aren’t appreciative of their fans. I don’t know these people personally and I sure as hell don’t know what they think. I am sure they are exhausted or have other obligations to deal with…I am just saying that sometimes shaking your hero’s hand can mean much more to someone that you might think. Signing a few things and posing for pictures is a sure fire way to have people continue to spread the word about your music and return to your shows….and that is what can keep you in tour buses rather than vans and allows you to buy muscle cars and houses on the hill.

Let’s be honest here, no matter how big the biggest band in the scene may be, ain’t NONE of them so famous that they are going to get mobbed or need personal security like Britney Spears next time they go to Wal-mart. Even so, would I dare walk up to someone at HEB and ask for an autograph? No way…but at a concert, you bet your ass I will.

Am I a Gherm? You are damned skippy I am…and I am proud to be one.

22 Comments

  • Reply February 23, 2010

    Anonymous

    That Thanksgiving comment is hilarious. I do have to disagree about what a gherm really is. Nothing wrong at all with fans who want to meet and shake hands, get an autograph, whatever. But, there are some who will attempt to do it every single time they are at a show, which for some, is every time damn the artist is within a 500 mile radius. Then, they meet the artists, have a little conversation, and think they are now best friends and entitled to hang out on the bus or strike up a conversation about their Grandma's illness at the meet 'n greet table. That can put the artist in a difficult situation, not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings and lose a fan. Adoring fans – ok. Fans who think they are BFF's with said artist – GHERMS.

  • Reply February 23, 2010

    Weather

    As a fan and friend (of a few of these artists), I'd like to know where you get your insight. Seems to me that you don't have a lot of respect for the struggles and sacrifices that most of these guys make to try and achieve their goals. Perhaps you do, and you've come up short on meeting your goals. Is that why you try to put down who these people are? Honestly, you make good points about each artist, but why the negative comments intertwined with the positive? There isn't one artist yet that you speak of only in a positive manner. You seem fickle. You like the band, but…

    What's the point of this blog? Are you trying to spread the word of bands that you like? Are you trying to start a gossip column, but the bands aren't popular enough for most people to care? What gives?

  • Reply February 23, 2010

    Rita Ballou

    Don't get your panties in a bunch there Da..err…I mean Weather. I'm just trying to have a little fun. I have nothing to lose and nothing to gain. I'm don't have any concerts to promote or awards shows to throw. Have I REALLY said anything that has been terrible or malicious? Ok, I admit the Eli Young stuff wasn't very nice, but the rest…come on, you laughed. Don't pretend you didn't chuckle just a little bit. Am I really going to devastate someone's entire professional career if I say they didn't sign my koozie or that I don't like their tattoo? Bitch, please.

    Am I fickle? Totally…and shallow too. I am about as deep as the shallow end of the kiddie pool. I am not trying to spread the word of anything, again there are PLENTY of blogs that do that…I am not a music critic and I am not a writer. I'm not Charles Manson and I don't have a group of followers…I am just a chick with a laptop and an opinion.

  • Reply February 23, 2010

    Anonymous

    Weather,

    Pull the stick out of your ass & grow a sense of humor. It says in the tag line of the site…

    "Nothing in this blog is said to be pure fact and at best it is opinion, rumor, and conjecture. It is a brutally honest look at the “scene”…with satire. It is what it is, so enjoy!"

    Sit back, laugh a little and stop taking it all so seriously. Damn.

  • Reply February 23, 2010

    Weather

    Never said my panties were waded in anything. I'm just wondering what the point of this is.
    Like I said before, some good points are being made. Just a word to the wise…Liskula Cohen set a precedent about online gossip.

  • Reply February 23, 2010

    Rita Ballou

    Well, you have a point there. I would sure hate for someone to smash my face in with a bottle because I said they tweet alot about drinking coffee.

  • Reply February 23, 2010

    Weather

    So no debate skills…ok.

  • Reply February 23, 2010

    Anonymous

    What did I miss. Thought she won the debate. The point is there is no point. If you dont want to read it, dont.

  • Reply February 23, 2010

    captain obvious

    6 classifications of GERMS (spelling per Llyod Maines)

    1) drug germ – only around cause they have weed, pills, lines or connection to preceding.

    2) opening band germ – seems self explanatory but opening band without any sense of respect for band they are opening for. I.E. stage rapers

    3) super germ – just a super fan, but takes it too far. tries to make everything personal about themselves when you really wrote a song about your guitar (Reckless Kelly's 'I Still Do')

    4) bar staff germ – wants a free shirt, free joint, take shots on stage during encore…cause they are working hard

    5) status germ – doesn't care about music or particularly band, just finds a way backstage, calls friends/texts/twits that he's in the back with (insert lead singer name). also constantly explains how he doesn't really like music, he's just here for his friends

    6) family germ – the long lost cousin in law or ex step brother that only shows up once he deems it cool.

  • Reply February 23, 2010

    bad ass t-shirt guy

    for the record, the merch guys do not pull the most ass. by the time we are done packing our shit and everyone else's, the chick that wanted to blow already has another dick in her mouth/ass.

    besides, who would want to be with a chick that would be with the merch guy?

  • Reply February 23, 2010

    Rita Ballou

    Ha…awesome! I stand corrected. You got me there. VERY, very good points.

  • Reply February 23, 2010

    Anonymous

    Weather, why should someone be ONLY talked about in a positive light? Everyone has something negative about them. I think this is going to be one of those things that you know you've hit the big time when you've been made fun of on Rita's blog. Maybe your jealous you didn't think of it first.

  • Reply February 23, 2010

    Anonymous

    She has already brought up quite a few artists who have not, and never will "hit the big-time."

    As Homer said:
    It's funny because it's true.

  • Reply February 25, 2010

    Chuckwicksgayboyfriend

    I hsve a merch boy fetish, I will admit it!

  • Reply February 25, 2010

    Anonymous

    Bad Ass Tee Shirt Guy,

    Too funny and too true! I have seen plenty of GERMS at various concerts over the years. I'm not a musician and never will be but I have a great appreciation for the music these guys make. I think a lot of the "stars" of this scene really appreciate being treated like regular folks. When I've hung out with some of them we usually talked fishing or football, not music, because everybody in the world wants to talk music with them.

    And for the record, Bad Ass Tee Shirt Guy is exactly what the name suggests & I only wish that someday I could have a BATSG shirt. Maybe they will be in the next batch of new merch? Because he has fans son!

  • Reply February 25, 2010

    Anonymous

    I posted that before I finished it. What else I meant to say was that he is THE Superstar of all merch guys!

  • Reply February 25, 2010

    Anonymous

    "Seems to me that you don't have a lot of respect for the struggles and sacrifices that most of these guys make to try and achieve their goals."

    Give me a break! If you really knew that most of these "struggling" artists have incomes supplemented by their parents or wives, and are constantly cheating on their girlfriends/wives, your use of the words "struggles and sacrifices" might change. Most of these guys ride around with their friends all over the state, no bosses, get to drink do drugs on the job, and "work" 3 days out of the week. They're not gods; they're GUYS without jobs.

  • Reply February 25, 2010

    Rita Ballou

    Rita just creamed her Size 12 Hanes Her Way high cut cotton briefs on that one.

  • Reply February 25, 2010

    Anonymous

    I have a job, and I am not in a band. And I still like to snort coke off a hooker's ass from time to time. So what's your point? Paint with a broad brush much?

  • Reply February 25, 2010

    Chuckwicksgayboyfriend

    This is getting good.

  • Reply February 26, 2010

    Anonymous

    This anonymous guy is pretty darn good

  • Reply February 27, 2010

    bad (no getting) ass t-shirt guy

    thanks Mom!

Leave a Reply