Ok, I got an email from someone telling me I was being too nice and that I needed to rip so and so a new asshole. I donâ€™t want anyone to think that I will be hateful just for the sake of being a bitchâ€¦it has to be warranted. And the subject of this blog is one that is near and dear to my heart, so maybe I will be a bitch. I donâ€™t need to call out any specific names because you people KNOW who you are, but I just might do it anyway. Hey, like Stoney and BJ sayâ€¦and maybe Kristen Kelly, I think her writing credit is still questionable depending who you askâ€¦if I am going down, I am going down in flames.
I have had VERY limited â€œbackstageâ€ experience. Most of my experience comes from waiting in line, buying a ticket, paying all the asshole stupid friggin service and conveience fees, forking over $3.25 for a beer, and standing my fat ass up at the stage for two hours before the opening band even starts. And I am not the only one. Want to know why people do this? IT IS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOUR MUSIC.
The first time I ever heard the word GHERM I was â€œbackstageâ€ at a show. Oh trust me. I thought I was hot shit on a shingle. While I was soaking up the coolness I overheard a band member say to another one: â€œShit man, that dude out there was gherming all over me last time we played here.â€ I had to research that immediately because damn it, I wanted to know all the cool kid lingo.
Here is the Urban Dictionary definitions of Gherm:
Someone who slavishly follows and sucks up to a celebrity. A fan to an excessive degree. A person not affiliated with the music industry but who has connections that can get them backstage concert access.
Oh Em Geeâ€¦they were basically talking about me. Ouch.
Well, here is my take on it and I know some people â€œin the industryâ€ will disagree. All those gherms out there are the reason you can do what it is you love to do for a living. Can we be annoying? I am sure. Do you OWE us anything? Not a damn thing. You didnâ€™t force us to come see your show and you sure as shit donâ€™t force us to buy all the crap you sell us, we do it because we WANT to. We LIKE you. Is that so bad?
Waaaaa, Iâ€™m so fucking famous and talented that people like me and want to talk to me, Waaaaaâ€¦.Want me to call you a Waaaaaambulance? Cause I will.
I think some of the â€œA-Listersâ€ should be more concerned about a time when people do NOT want their autographs than when they do. It ainâ€™t like you are Bradgelina mother fuckers, so get your ass out here and sign some shit Cody. You know, some of the shit WE bought that YOU make money from and if you didnâ€™t want to have to â€œdealâ€ with annoying, uncool people you should have gone to truck driving school than instead of being in the entertainment industry. And donâ€™t do us any favors or do it because you feel obligated Randyâ€¦do it because you know how much it means to us. And be happy to do it, and if you arenâ€™tâ€¦fake it! Besides, how BAD can it be to have your ass sucked Roger?
I may be wrong but I am pretty sure you sell an ass ton more merchandise when you come out to the table than when you donâ€™t. Donâ€™t your employees make a percentage of those sales too and if so then throw that dude a bone. Oh, I am not feeling bad for those guys or anything because everyone knows the merch guy gets the most pussy shrapnel of anyone, but he has to eat too or at least buy weed and adderall.
I have heard that some artists do not come out and sign because by not doing it they feel it adds to their mystery. What the fuck is this, Murder She Wrote? That is just bullshit. Itâ€™s because they are either lazy, donâ€™t want to be bothered or they have gotten too big for the free britches they are wearing. You know, those britches they got by having a sponsor and that sponsor they got by having devoted fansâ€¦.wait, I mean Gherms.
Those same Gherms that worked all day at their crappy jobs, fought the traffic, stood out in the 107 degree heat at places like Hillâ€™s CafÃ© so maybe they can forget about their shitty UNROCKSTAR lives for 90 minutes in the middle of the week and get lost in the sheer power of the words and music you create. Because we do…
We donâ€™t want to come to your house for Thanksgiving and carve your family turkey, 98.9% of the time we just want the opportunity to say thank you and tell you how much we appreciate your music, snap a picture, and have a little something like an autographed Koozie to be able to look down at and remember the feeling of being able to escape from reality, if only for a few songs.
I am not saying that some fans arenâ€™t obnoxious jackasses and arenâ€™t just hanging out to glom onto artists to be on the scene and think they are cool. I am also not saying some artists arenâ€™t appreciative of their fans. I donâ€™t know these people personally and I sure as hell donâ€™t know what they think. I am sure they are exhausted or have other obligations to deal withâ€¦I am just saying that sometimes shaking your heroâ€™s hand can mean much more to someone that you might think. Signing a few things and posing for pictures is a sure fire way to have people continue to spread the word about your music and return to your showsâ€¦.and that is what can keep you in tour buses rather than vans and allows you to buy muscle cars and houses on the hill.
Letâ€™s be honest here, no matter how big the biggest band in the scene may be, ainâ€™t NONE of them so famous that they are going to get mobbed or need personal security like Britney Spears next time they go to Wal-mart. Even so, would I dare walk up to someone at HEB and ask for an autograph? No wayâ€¦but at a concert, you bet your ass I will.
Am I a Gherm? You are damned skippy I amâ€¦and I am proud to be one.