Welcome to another edition of Diesel Sniffers for Dummies. I never thought that Chapter One would have received so many responses. I guess that goes to prove that people are passionate about this subject. I cherish each and every comment I get on any of the dribble that I write, it blows me away that people would take time out of their busy day to read anything I would blog, but I am not naive. You peeps are coming to read this page just to see all the comments. That stuff is 100 times funnier than I could ever be. So with that said, we all know who the Sniffies may or may not be and where they may or may not work so pretty please with sugar on top don’t name names people! That sounds pretty ironic coming from someone that has made an entire blog based on talking shit about people, but it’s just different. (Because it is true!)
Trust me, I don’t think people should be able to play the whore and the victim at the same time and that goes for both the spreader and the spreadiee. Everyone should take responsibility for their own actions so IF it is true, stop your boohooing. Like a wise woman once told me…You get caught fucking a married man (or woman) you deserve the fucking you get for the fucking you got.
Now with all THAT said, I have an idea. Since my request to have a Barbara Walters-esk interview with the Creager motel cuties was a bust, I would like to stage an Intervention with anyone that would like for me to come in and visit with their Sniffies. Yes, we could also film it and put it on A&E! It would be great for the sake of humankind. It could possibly save a Sniffies life, either from catching a type of cootie that they can’t wash off or from getting the beat down from some pissed off wife. Rita can be just like the guy on VH1′s Tough Love. Let’s teach these men they SHOULD NOT be able to treat women with daddy issues like this. I here by call for a Diesel Sniffer free vagina boycott! Make these boys earn it! Lock it up ladies.
Ok, that boycott would last about 20 minutes. But I am still making the offer.
Chapter Two–Proper Panty Row Behavior
Arriving at the venue:
Once you are all decked out in your hoochiewear, head to the bar. (Always take TWO cars! We will get to this in Chapter Three, but trust me it is important.) You don’t necessarily have to worry about getting there early, its actually better to arrive fashionably late. I mean, you do NOT want to appear desperate like all those other dorks and old bitches who just want a night without their kids four times a year. You know the ones that got there extra early to catch the drink specials, blow off some steam, and to make sure they had a good place to watch the show.
Once you get to the bar the first thing you need to do is immediately walk to the bathroom. I know you don’t actually need to urinate or move your bowels, but you do have to check yourself out in the mirror again to make sure you look hot. It took you three hours to get ready and you just reapplied your lipgloss in the car 48 seconds earlier, but things could have changed in the time you walked from the car to the door. Also, if you happen to be under 21 you need to wash the Xs off your hands before they dry. I know that they were put there with permanent marker and its not going to work, but you still need to give it a try. Besides a smeared X is a lot less obvious than a clear X, and nothing looks cuter than trolling the bar with big black hands. Trust me. (The only exception to this rule is if you are at a Roger Creager show, leave the Xs alone because you stand a much better chance of scoring a red plastic solo cup later in the evening if you have the Xs prominently displayed. Allegedly.) Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.
Making Your Move:
Whatever you do, do not head to the front until the band takes the stage and is about halfway through their opening song. You do not want to appear as if you are really there to hear the music. Remember to never forget your goals ladies! You are going to have your meat on that seat before the bus hits the street. Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.
At this point you need to push, fight, and claw your way to the front of the stage because above anyone else YOU DESERVE TO BE THERE. Forget about all those people that have been standing there for hours, who are they anyway? Nobodies. They aren’t friends with the bands and you are! (Wait, aren’t most friends usually just placed on the guest list and allowed to go backstage? Oh, nevermind.) Again, pay no mind to those other people, just shove them out of the way, forget about the handicapped dude in the wheelchair, and forget about all the Man Fans because Panty Row belongs to YOU! Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.
This isn’t always as easy as it appears to be because every once in a while you will run into a big mean, fat bitch like Rita that pushes back. That is when you actually have to use the Man Fans. This is a last resort but if it gets you closer to the band, so be it. You have to flirt and make these guys think they stand a chance with you when if fact the idea of going home with one of these losers is just preposterous. You are ROCKSTAR worthy! But they will let you stand in front of them if they think they might get laid, and the whole idea is to be in the front row so the musicians can see YOU. Remember this can be very tricky and takes some skill because above all else you do not want the band to think you are there on a date or with your husband. That is a deal breaker. Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.
There are no Friends on Panty Row!
Finally, you made it! Never let any other chicks try to talk to you or even be polite. Do not forget that there are no friends on Panty Row, only competition! You are clearly more attractive than any other girl in the bar and if they try to make chit chat with you it is just because they are just trying to ride your coat tails and use you to get back stage too. Spray your area down like a cat in heat. Back those bitches up off your men! Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.
By now you can totally tell the band is happy to see you and they obviously remember you from other shows. They play over 200 shows a year, but you are just that special. You met them that one time at that festival and made it to the bus that day, so you are obviously close personal friends with the entire band and crew. Plus you are friends with all of them on Facebook. Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.
At this point, you have to make direct eye contact with a band member because once that happens, you are golden. He is now obviously mesmerized by your beauty and totally willing to leave his wife and children for you. I know this might be hard to believe because it has not happened yet, but never give up hope. I mean, this is the 42nd show in a row you have been to and if he wanted to fuck you, he could have fucked you by now…but tonight might be the night! Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.
Putting On Your Own Show
Once you are front and center it is time to put on your own show! Don’t worry about the fact that you don’t ACTUALLY know the music. This is really all about making goo goo eyes with the musician and drawing as much attention to yourself as possible. Everyone knows that a man always wants a woman that every man in the bar wants too. Besides, you can always pretend to sing along. You only really need to know Kiss Me in the Dark, Everclear, Boys from Oklahoma, or Resurrection and they don’t play those til the end of the set so you have plenty of time. What is really important is your dancing. Yes, its time to embrace your inner (or outer) stripper and do the faux lesbian hump dance with your hot friend. This works everytime. (If your friend is too shy, you can always hump the rail in front of you, whatever works in a pinch).
Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.
While in the front of 100s of people that actually came to hear the music, feel free to talk on your cell phone, readjust your bump it, fix your makeup, text, Twitter, play Words with Friends or update your Facebook status. You can’t pay too much attention to the band or the music because at this point you are playing hard to get. Be sure to not look too interested.
Remember there must be photo evidence of you in the front row because you have to post the picture for the world to see that you are indeed friends with the band! What good is being in panty row if everyone you know isn’t jealous of you? Have one of the Man Fans take your picture, look at it, make the duck face, delete it, pose again, look at it, delete it, pose again and do this about six times in a row just to make sure you get it right. Don’t worry, Aaron Watson will stop playing guitar and stick his head in the photo at least 14 times too. Don’t worry if this might appear to be annoying to people, because, it is not. Randy LOVES it when you do this right in front of him singing a song he wrote, especially at an acoustic show. Can’t you just tell by the look on his face how much he really enjoys it? Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.
Stay tuned for Chapter Three and the Finale to Diesel Sniffers for Dummies…Using your Untapped Resources.