Diesel Sniffers for Dummies…Chapter Two

Exhibit+A

Welcome to another edition of Diesel Sniffers for Dummies. I never thought that Chapter One would have received so many responses. I guess that goes to prove that people are passionate about this subject. I cherish each and every comment I get on any of the dribble that I write, it blows me away that people would take time out of their busy day to read anything I would blog, but I am not naive. You peeps are coming to read this page just to see all the comments. That stuff is 100 times funnier than I could ever be. So with that said, we all know who the Sniffies may or may not be and where they may or may not work so pretty please with sugar on top don’t name names people! That sounds pretty ironic coming from someone that has made an entire blog based on talking shit about people, but it’s just different. (Because it is true!)

Trust me, I don’t think people should be able to play the whore and the victim at the same time and that goes for both the spreader and the spreadiee. Everyone should take responsibility for their own actions so IF it is true, stop your boohooing. Like a wise woman once told me…You get caught fucking a married man (or woman) you deserve the fucking you get for the fucking you got.

Now with all THAT said, I have an idea. Since my request to have a Barbara Walters-esk interview with the Creager motel cuties was a bust, I would like to stage an Intervention with anyone that would like for me to come in and visit with their Sniffies. Yes, we could also film it and put it on A&E! It would be great for the sake of humankind. It could possibly save a Sniffies life, either from catching a type of cootie that they can’t wash off or from getting the beat down from some pissed off wife. Rita can be just like the guy on VH1′s Tough Love. Let’s teach these men they SHOULD NOT be able to treat women with daddy issues like this. I here by call for a Diesel Sniffer free vagina boycott! Make these boys earn it! Lock it up ladies.

Ok, that boycott would last about 20 minutes. But I am still making the offer.

Chapter Two–Proper Panty Row Behavior

Arriving at the venue:

Once you are all decked out in your hoochiewear, head to the bar. (Always take TWO cars! We will get to this in Chapter Three, but trust me it is important.) You don’t necessarily have to worry about getting there early, its actually better to arrive fashionably late. I mean, you do NOT want to appear desperate like all those other dorks and old bitches who just want a night without their kids four times a year. You know the ones that got there extra early to catch the drink specials, blow off some steam, and to make sure they had a good place to watch the show.

Once you get to the bar the first thing you need to do is immediately walk to the bathroom. I know you don’t actually need to urinate or move your bowels, but you do have to check yourself out in the mirror again to make sure you look hot. It took you three hours to get ready and you just reapplied your lipgloss in the car 48 seconds earlier, but things could have changed in the time you walked from the car to the door. Also, if you happen to be under 21 you need to wash the Xs off your hands before they dry. I know that they were put there with permanent marker and its not going to work, but you still need to give it a try. Besides a smeared X is a lot less obvious than a clear X, and nothing looks cuter than trolling the bar with big black hands. Trust me. (The only exception to this rule is if you are at a Roger Creager show, leave the Xs alone because you stand a much better chance of scoring a red plastic solo cup later in the evening if you have the Xs prominently displayed. Allegedly.) Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.

Making Your Move:

Whatever you do, do not head to the front until the band takes the stage and is about halfway through their opening song. You do not want to appear as if you are really there to hear the music. Remember to never forget your goals ladies! You are going to have your meat on that seat before the bus hits the street. Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.

At this point you need to push, fight, and claw your way to the front of the stage because above anyone else YOU DESERVE TO BE THERE. Forget about all those people that have been standing there for hours, who are they anyway? Nobodies. They aren’t friends with the bands and you are! (Wait, aren’t most friends usually just placed on the guest list and allowed to go backstage? Oh, nevermind.) Again, pay no mind to those other people, just shove them out of the way, forget about the handicapped dude in the wheelchair, and forget about all the Man Fans because Panty Row belongs to YOU! Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.

This isn’t always as easy as it appears to be because every once in a while you will run into a big mean, fat bitch like Rita that pushes back. That is when you actually have to use the Man Fans. This is a last resort but if it gets you closer to the band, so be it. You have to flirt and make these guys think they stand a chance with you when if fact the idea of going home with one of these losers is just preposterous. You are ROCKSTAR worthy! But they will let you stand in front of them if they think they might get laid, and the whole idea is to be in the front row so the musicians can see YOU. Remember this can be very tricky and takes some skill because above all else you do not want the band to think you are there on a date or with your husband. That is a deal breaker. Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.

There are no Friends on Panty Row!

Finally, you made it! Never let any other chicks try to talk to you or even be polite. Do not forget that there are no friends on Panty Row, only competition! You are clearly more attractive than any other girl in the bar and if they try to make chit chat with you it is just because they are just trying to ride your coat tails and use you to get back stage too. Spray your area down like a cat in heat. Back those bitches up off your men! Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.

By now you can totally tell the band is happy to see you and they obviously remember you from other shows. They play over 200 shows a year, but you are just that special. You met them that one time at that festival and made it to the bus that day, so you are obviously close personal friends with the entire band and crew. Plus you are friends with all of them on Facebook. Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.

At this point, you have to make direct eye contact with a band member because once that happens, you are golden. He is now obviously mesmerized by your beauty and totally willing to leave his wife and children for you. I know this might be hard to believe because it has not happened yet, but never give up hope. I mean, this is the 42nd show in a row you have been to and if he wanted to fuck you, he could have fucked you by now…but tonight might be the night! Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.

Putting On Your Own Show

Once you are front and center it is time to put on your own show! Don’t worry about the fact that you don’t ACTUALLY know the music. This is really all about making goo goo eyes with the musician and drawing as much attention to yourself as possible. Everyone knows that a man always wants a woman that every man in the bar wants too. Besides, you can always pretend to sing along. You only really need to know Kiss Me in the Dark, Everclear, Boys from Oklahoma, or Resurrection and they don’t play those til the end of the set so you have plenty of time. What is really important is your dancing. Yes, its time to embrace your inner (or outer) stripper and do the faux lesbian hump dance with your hot friend. This works everytime. (If your friend is too shy, you can always hump the rail in front of you, whatever works in a pinch).

^Exhibit A^

Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.

While in the front of 100s of people that actually came to hear the music, feel free to talk on your cell phone, readjust your bump it, fix your makeup, text, Twitter, play Words with Friends or update your Facebook status. You can’t pay too much attention to the band or the music because at this point you are playing hard to get. Be sure to not look too interested.

Remember there must be photo evidence of you in the front row because you have to post the picture for the world to see that you are indeed friends with the band! What good is being in panty row if everyone you know isn’t jealous of you? Have one of the Man Fans take your picture, look at it, make the duck face, delete it, pose again, look at it, delete it, pose again and do this about six times in a row just to make sure you get it right. Don’t worry, Aaron Watson will stop playing guitar and stick his head in the photo at least 14 times too. Don’t worry if this might appear to be annoying to people, because, it is not. Randy LOVES it when you do this right in front of him singing a song he wrote, especially at an acoustic show. Can’t you just tell by the look on his face how much he really enjoys it? Always remember you deserve special treatment because you are special.

Stay tuned for Chapter Three and the Finale to Diesel Sniffers for Dummies…Using your Untapped Resources.

55 Comments

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Anonymous

    I just peed down my leg with laughter.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Bethie61

    I think I might need a new keyboard or How To Get Coffee Off The Keyboard For Dummies. I just love photographic illustrations.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Anonymous

    A

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Jessie James

    Exhibit A is hot!

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    kayell

    exhibit A probably has butterface. Good lawdy Rita. Hilarious.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Rita Ballou

    I will say that if my legs looked like Exhibit A's I would be the first one dancing around a pole. I do know that pic was sent in from a Stoney show in San Marcos. Where it was 42 degrees outside. She has followed my rules, she gets an A plus on chapter one!

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Cute Girl

    I think Rita sounds like one of those ugly fat bitches that never got laid in highschool and is now taking it all out on cute girls.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Anonymous

    GREAT STUFF as always!!!
    So I saw on Facebook that a certain lead guitar player was saying that he was Rita…. He is clever but come on now he is by far no Rita!! But that did give me an idea- I am emailing you a picture of him and who I think is dopple thingy is! It is spot on

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Anonymous

    Once again Rita you have out done your self! I never knew what to make of these DS before, I always found them to be highly annoying, yet never was bitchy enough to not let them go in front of me, but no more, I shall be bitchy just like rita lol!!

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Anonymous

    “You get caught fucking a married man (or woman) you deserve the fucking you get for the fucking you got”

    I think I love your mom!

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Anonymous

    The only exception to this rule is if you are at a Roger Creager show, leave the M’s alone because you stand a much better chance of scoring a red plastic solo cup later in the evening if you have the M’s prominently displayed.

    That shit is great.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Tiger Woods

    Exhibit A

    I hit that shit, twice.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Birds Eye View

    @sayingwhateveryoneelsewantstoo

    Good call on that particular sniffer. She's one of a kind. I guess her "musician friends" are willing to over look her general creepiness in order to share her constant supply of xanax.

    That's another DS tip; bringing drugs along to share with the band is not a requirement but those that have them may be favored with some artists over those that don't have them.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Anonymous

    Damn, Cute Girl. I think we've already established that. Most of us are that girl. Sorry of you're uspet about being called out, but she's only saying what 95% of concert-goers are already saying about you. You probably run around wearing a partially exposed thong, so you should be used to the panties in a wad feeling by now. Geez.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Anonymous

    My favorite DS's are always the single moms hanging at the merch table offering their kids adderal to the band. Mother's of the year.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Tex69

    As a guy who's been to a fair share of shows (not to be confused with a Man Fan though) my wife and I watch the DS and life with hilarity. It's always funny to see them coming back to every… single… show…

    Has anyone else notice WAY too many douchbags at shows in the last 2 years? Ed Hardy shirts, sideways hats, gold chains hanging down? Anyone else just wanna beat the hell outta them?

    That brings me to my next thought, do DS KNOW that they are DS? Do these Douchebags KNOW that they are Douchebags??

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Tex69

    I meant LAUGH with hilarity on the previous post…

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Anonymous

    I happen to know that if you don't have the big M's on your hands that you can make it onto the Roger bus… but Roger won't be there.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    FG

    To cute girl,

    Slutty has never been cute.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    dtg

    Oh my gosh Tandy Rabbit, Does anyone know how old she is? Not to be rude or anything but, Have you seen her pictures on facebook????????

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Anonymous

    and neither is whoring yourself out for guys in a band to play with. Did you really not see you are just a joke?

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Anonymous

    dtg…ok…had to facebook that one…is she the one with all the "No Justice" guys, josh abbott etc?

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Birds Eye View

    Yep, that's her.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Chuckwicksgayboyfriend

    Even though I'm totally guilty of it, that camera bit was funny! I also saw Cory Morrow take a DS's phone away during a show once. It was awesome.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Anonymous

    Can we work on weeding out the musicians that aren't in it for the music because they seem to be the ones that feed into the Diesel Sniffers. Maybe if they would grow up or disappear, those DSers and douchbaggers will too! Lets take back the music and the live concerts!!!

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    dtg

    YES! That's her! Again not being rude or anything but, She looks like shes 40-something, Not that that's bad, but if she is, She needs to retire from DSin'!

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Rita Ballou

    Y'all lost me on the Rabbit thing, but that's ok.

    Please send in any/all Dopplers, I'm running low on ideas

    At what merch table can I buy Adderall?

    If Rita is Shanada does that mean I get to go to Thanksgiving dinner?

    And does everyone know that Brandon Jenkins and I are friends on Twitter?

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    txtrigger

    Oh mR.m, you REMOVED Your post? I bet it was beyond awesome. ;-)

    And cute girl, If the thong fits… show it girl! Right below that tramp stamp tattoo on your back. Be proud to be a DS'er girl! Rita is just doing y'all a service, so you can get yourself a musician…for a nite

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    bad ass tshirt guy

    I was offered a lortab for a sticker this week in Idabel. After an ambien 'made' me pass out in the wrong bunk, I declined.

    (sorry for previous deletion, I had spelled lortab wrong)

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Rita Ballou

    Yes…what Trigger said! I'm just doing a public service. Sometimes people just aren't ready for an intervention. :(

    Teeshirt kiddo…what can I get for a Prempro? Works wonders on my premenopausal hot flashes? That should at least get me a hoodie and a plastic cup of cherry vodka sour!

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    dtg

    Rita, "Tandy Rabbit" is code name for THE biggest DSer I have ever seen, She is beyond the basic DSer, There needs to be a category of DSin' just for her!

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Bethie61

    Teeshirt kiddo…what can I get for a Prempro? Works wonders on my premenopausal hot flashes? That should at least get me a hoodie and a plastic cup of cherry vodka sour!

    Hey, wait in line, he wants mine first.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    I see it all the time...

    Tandy Rabbit is the cream of the crop for the at least 30+ crowd. Not only does she think that every musician is her best friend and next lay…but everyone she meets! And she is not scared to tell you about everything and everyone she's done…and the tattoos….are horrible! She even has an honorary tattoo of someone she hasn't been able to prey on yet…mainly due to the fact she makes him want to vomit…

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    I have to see it...all the time..

    Tandy Rabbit is the cream of the crop for the at least 30+ crowd. Not only does she think that every musician is her best friend and next lay…but everyone she meets! And she is not scared to tell you about everything and everyone she's done…and the tattoos….are horrible! She even has an honorary tattoo of someone she hasn't been able to prey on yet…mainly due to the fact she makes him want to vomit…

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    dtg

    Ok, Now I can't figure out who the one singer she hasn't done is………

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Rita Ballou

    Ok so I need to research the stages and categories od DS'ers. I never knew it was so complicated! I'm always in the crowd swatting them off with my fake Louis Vutton.

    I'm going to start my own line of products….Desiel Sniffer Swatters. Like fly swatters but bigger. And we can take them to shows. When they try to take your place you can just swat them away!

    And for the record, you people are mean!

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    kayell

    hahaha i had to search that one out on facebook. thank God for mutual friends. Poor gal. Some folks never let the dream die. Kinda like what's his face on Dazed and Confused…"I get older…they stay the same age."

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Rita Ballou

    Momma B always said…just because you are too old to cut the mustard doesn't mean you still can't lick the jar.

    Sadly no one except my new fan "chubby chaser" wants me to lick them.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    dtg

    Oh Rita! We're not mean, We're just being honest! hahaha ok maybe we are, just a little though!

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    I have to see it all...all the time

    I like to trip DSers….can you come out with a boot line?

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Anonymous

    Where can I order me and my husband our own Rita DS Swatters? I would buy some in a heartbeat.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    kayell

    sometimes, the truth hurts ;) But like my momma always says "if you dont want to be known for being a ho, dont be one." (she's not nearly as cool as your mom. she doesnt drop the F bombs and gets appalled if I accidentally drop one in front of her. haha)

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Rita Ballou

    Dude, come on. Don't make me be a nazi…you know the rules…NO NAMES of unpublic figures. I hate having to delete shit. Play fair! I have shit to do and in my spare time I have come up with creating these wonderful blogs full of helpful hints and information on cakes and rap songs and shit. I can't police this shit because people can't play fair. You don't want Rita to have to go away and you have to go back to updating your Tore Up status do you?

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Rita Ballou

    ^^That rant was because someone isn't following the rules^^ FYI

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Anonymous

    I hope you don't have to start approving comments before posting…but there's always a few that won't play fair and ruin it!!

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Rita Ballou

    I know, if that happens Rita will fade back into oblivion…(even though she can't spell it) because that is just lame. Really, we have ONE RULE…that isn't asking to much. Not to mention you are making me sound like a whiney twat and I don't want to be a whiney twat.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Rita Ballou

    Ok, that hissy fit may have been premature. Maybe those names were rhyming names. Ugh, sorry. Menopause.

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Anonymous

    Please print this up and pass it out like Gideon's Bibles outside of the bars. I'll even make a donation to cover the funding!
    -Burd

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Bad Apple

    Which one of the songwriters reading this blog is going to turn "that's the fucking you get for the fucking you got" into a song? Pure greatness!

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Anonymous

    "Which one of the songwriters reading this blog is going to turn "that's the fucking you get for the fucking you got" into a song? Pure greatness!"

    This has Brandon "Rita's Jenny" Jenkins written all over it. I smell a Grammy.

    Get on it BJ!

  • Reply March 22, 2010

    Anonymous

    You are going to have your meat on that seat before the bus hits the street.

    That's gross man! Who's bus has the most snail trails? I hope they have some lysol.

  • Reply March 23, 2010

    Anonymous

    So I finally found "Tandi Rabbit" on facebook, and I must say what's with all the facial touching? There isn't enough soap water and germ-x in this world that would let her touch me, or anyone close to me, that's just plain nasty. It is possible to spread the herp from hand to face contact so think about that guys who like to trade Xanax or adderall for allowing her or any other DS back stage, you don't want herpes in your eyes now do ya?

    This is my Germaphobe public service announcement for today ;-)

  • Reply March 25, 2010

    Daisy

    Ok first of all I just found this place and this shit is right up my alley. What I am about to say are solely my opinions and what I've witnessed being on the red dirt scene.

    Ragweed- Loved their music up until this last CD. I see a dramatic change in them personally and musically. They used to hang out after the shows and drink with you and really took the time to speak with their fans. What happend? Hear is a little hint for you.. Without fans you're nothing. Take the time to visit with the people who are willing to pay to see you!

    Stephanie Briggs- pure torture. She must give good head or something else to cody for him to even mix ragweeds music with hers. Even Ray Charles can see that..

    Diesel Sniffers- More power to em! If you can get it honey go for it. you're only young once. And if you wives out there think your hubby musican isn't getting his feet wet it the groupie pool then just go ahead and keep dreaming. It just doesn't happen when you're there. Please just leave cutie Randy Rogers alone. He's mine….)

    Shanada- Why is everyone so afraid of her? Come on people she was just another groupie who snagged a musican and became a manager. Big step up from being an ex- stripper. Have to admitt shows are much more fun without her learing at the crowd wondering which bitch wants to bag her husband.

  • Reply March 25, 2010

    dtg

    Ok, Just one more thing about "Tandy Rabbit" What the crap is that tattoo on her hand? I can't figure it out!

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