The Man Fan
You may be one, you may date one, you may drink the beer one buys you, or you may even hook up and leave the bar with oneâ€¦ but if you go to a show in Texas you are bound to see one. The Man Fan.
The Man Fan isnâ€™t a bad guy, he can normally be lots of fun and can often make the experience much more entertaining â€¦but be careful because his shelf life is very short. He can turn from Good Time Charlie to a Drunk Dickhead in the span of about two songs or one Stoney guitar solo, which usually equals the same amount of time.
There are several things to look for while trying to spot the Man Fan. The first thing to notice is he is going to be wearing a band tee-shirt. It may not be the band you are there to watch, but it will be a band tee-shirt. The older the shirt the better because if he is wearing his â€œSideburns Do Ruleâ€ West 84 shirt that means he has been a fan â€œfrom the beginningâ€. And we all know how important that is.
Also, watch out because the Man Fan usually travels in packs, is very fast and usually light on his feet. He will knock a chick down to the ground no matter how hot she is if she dares to try to get to the stage before he does. The Man Fan is NOT a gentleman and there really is NO excuse for this type of behaviorâ€¦actually there is NO excuse for ANY human with a penis to be on Panty Row! Wait, there is ONE reasonâ€¦to bring girls beer and then get lost. Panty Row is a sacred place, but this never seems to matter to the Man Fan.
The Man Fan is usually the guy with all the money, so standing near or around him isnâ€™t ALWAYS bad because more than likely you can scam a drink or two off of him before he realizes you did it. Although he isnâ€™t very bright, he is very generous and is most likely the guy that is buying the entire band Jagerbombs on his daddyâ€™s credit card. It never occurs to the Man Fan that this is just a big fat giant waste of money because most likely the band has a pretty decent credit at bar or at least 10-15 bottles of liquor at their disposal at any given time. None of this really matters to the Man Fan because there is NOTHING cooler than getting to be THAT guy in the bathroom standing at the piss trough slurring to his buddiesâ€¦â€DUDE, I JUST BOUGHT RANDY FUCKING ROGERS A SHOT.â€
The Man Fan will suffer from a disease I like to call Douchebag Turretâ€™s Syndrome. Again, he canâ€™t help it, heâ€™s a Man Fan. This makes him very easy to spot especially at a Bleu Edmondson show because he will be the guy screaming â€œYOUâ€™RE MY BOY BLEUâ€ at least 14 times. He will laugh every time and it never occurs to him that maybe Bleu has heard that one before. He is also the guy that has to yell â€œCARNEY MANâ€ at Cody Canada, yell â€œEVERCLEARâ€ at Roger Creager, and yell â€œBITCH GIVE ME BACK MY RINGâ€ at Bart Crow. Please remember, Douchebag Turrets can be highly contagious and can also brainwash an entire venue into believing the artistâ€™s middle name is actually â€œFuckingâ€. As soon as he starts to chant â€œKEVIN FUCKING FOWLER â€ it seems to spread throughout the bar like Ebola in an African village.
Again, please donâ€™t think that I am saying the Man Fan is a bad guy, he isnâ€™tâ€¦but never forget he CAN be dangerous. If by some chance one of the artist tosses a pick in your direction, watch out! He will not only knock you to the floor, jumping over 10 people to try to get it, but he will usually start a fight with another Man Fan that had the same idea.
About four songs into the show, the Man Fan will suddenly morph into Fred Astaire. Oh yes, he LOVES to dance but there is no way he is going to leave his spot on Panty Row to do so. At this point he will always grab a girl, spin her all around and knock over everyoneâ€™s beer in the process. And trust meâ€¦you do not want to be that girl! The Man Fan and his expensive custom made ostrich skinned boots have been known to ruin a perfectly good pair of open toed pumps not to mention fuck up a fresh pedicure in a heartbeat.
The Man Fan always has a claim to fame and you will get to hear one of his super stories a time or 7 while you are in line at the merchandise table. This story will usually sound something like this:
â€œDude, I smoked pot with Cody Canada on his bus at the Llling Watermelon Thump back in 1994. It was so fucking bad ass man, I smoked pot with Cody Canada on his bus. Yeah man, it was in 1994 at the Lulling Watermelon Thump. In Lulingâ€¦yeah dude, on his bus. I hope he remembers me, we smoked pot together.â€
Please donâ€™t think the Man Fan can ONLY be found at concerts either. He is very much into social networkingâ€¦he has a Twitter and and Facebookâ€¦and he knows how to use them! He is the guy that always writes back to the computer generated concert dates feeds. Example:
Randy Rogers Band:
7 New shows announced!
Dude, you guys rock. You need to come back to the Lulling Watermelon Thump. I smoked pot there with Cody in my â€œSideburns Do Ruleâ€ tee shirt in 1994.
Also, he is the first to log onto his Twitter and postâ€¦.
â€œI got to talk to Cody Canada tonite! He remembered me from the Luling Watermelon Thump and he signed my â€œSideburns Do Ruleâ€ tee shirt tonite!â€
Just remember peopleâ€¦you have all been warned! Have fun, be safe, enjoy the musicâ€¦but always a aware of the Man Fan!